Part of Life
by AmazonTurk
Summary: Our favorite FF7 characters and their takes on the most...unsavory parts of life.  Requests are LOVED!  Rated M for Lemon.
1. Boogers, Shit and Feminine Sticks

_**A/N: I will be taking requests on this one!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: Not mine...except the plot.**_

* * *

"Damn it, Cid!" Yuffie exclaimed, glaring at her now destroyed nails. "That's the last fucking time I help you with the Shera! My nails are shot to shit!"

Cid stuck his cigarette between his lips and examined his own nails...or lack thereof, rather. "Hell, you try workin' on that shit your whole life!" he bellowed back thrusting his hands in her face. "I can't even keep a good booger pickin' nail!"

Yuffie spewed the beer she was drinking onto the table, glancing apologetically at Tifa as she glared at her from behind the bar. "Cid!" she gasped out, trying to clean the beer off the table. "That's fucking gross!"

Cid shoved his index finger up his left nostril in an vain attempt to remove any encrusted mucus from it's walls. "Don't see what's so gross about it, Brat," he said, pulling his finger back out and wiping it on his shirt. "Everyone gets boogers and ya gotta get 'em out somehow."

"Civilized people use tissues, dumbass," she retorted, taking another drink. "It's still gross."

"Part of life, Princess," he sneered, taking a long drag and blowing smoke into the air. "Kinda like takin' a shit. Everyone does it."

Yuffie shuddered. "Yeah, well I don't care to know about the frequency or contents of your fecal matter nor the inhabitants of your nasal passages," she told him, pulling a disgusted face. She downed the rest of her beer and stood to her feet. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to change my Tampon before I'm left squelching in my own bodily fluids."

Cid spewed his beer out on the table, casting a glare at the ninja. "That is sick ass, Yuffie!"

Yuffie tossed him a glance over her shoulder as she walked to the bathroom. "Part of life, Captain!" she snickered as she slapped Tifa a high five.

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_**A/N: Please review and leave a request for anything you wish to see tackled that is a disturbing Part of Life. I'll attempt to make it humorous. Heh heh!!!**_


	2. Final Flatulents

_**A/N: Okay, so as far as the frequency of updates, I won't make any promises because my Muses tend to be sadistic little bitches that come and go as they please. So, as I get inspired for this, I'll update.**_

_**This next one is a request from dantesdarkqueen, who actually gave me seven requests. Yay! Seven chapters I don't have to think of on my own! (gives dantesdarkqueen chocolate covered Reno). So, let's tackle...GAS!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: Not mine. Blah.**_

* * *

Marlene walked into the room she shared with Denzel. Cloud was going to be home tonight after a three day delivery to Junon and she wanted to make him a "Welcome Home! We Missed You, Cloud!" card to let him know just how much he was loved. He was much happier now, after the Geostigma was cured and after he and Tifa and Barrett had helped Vincent and Yuffie out with the Deepground soldiers. Life was in a very pseudo normal place. 

Denzel was sitting at their table, finishing his homework like Tifa had asked him to do the following night. And now, he wished he would have listened to her. Homework on a Saturday morning was wrong; but since he wanted it done before Cloud got home, he begrudingly did it.

"Hey Denzel!" Marlene said cheerfully as she climbed onto a chair beside him. She reached for her crayons and a blue piece of paper and got to work.

"Whatcha doin', Marlene?" Denzel asked, glad for the momentary distraction from his multiplication tables.

"Making Cloud a card for when he gets back tonight," she said, drawing a smiling sun over what was going to be a spikey head of hair.

Denzel leaned forward in his chair to get a better look. However, when he did a...noise escaped from him that he couldn't stop. A very loud, very trumpety noise. Marlene looked over at him and giggled as he blushed.

"It...it was the chair!" Denzel exclaimed, desperately trying to make the chair make a similar noise. No matter how hard he tried, the chair wouldn't cooperate.

"Denzel," Marlene said as she giggled. "I know that wasn't the chair. It's too stinky."

Denzel's face got redder. "I can't help it," he said, sitting back down, his head lowered so that his hair was covering his eyes. "My tummy hurts."

"Mine doesn't feel so great either," Marlene said as she continued her artwork on the card. "Don't tell Tifa, but I think what she made for dinner last night made us sick."

Denzel looked up at her. "Your tummy hurts, too?" he asked.

As if on cue, a similar noise escaped from Marlene. This time she blushed and Denzel laughed. "Stop it!" she said, tossing a crayon at him. "You started it!"

Denzel started laughing so hard that he almost fell out of his chair. Unfortunately, the pressure the laughter caused on his tummy forced more wind to break from his backside in between his laughs. Marlene started laughing at Denzel's case of the "laughing farts" and caught them herself.

"Yuck!" she said in between laughs. "You stink!"

"So do you!" Denzel accused.

"Kids!" Tifa called coming down the hall. "Is everything...uh, what is that smell? Denzel, did you not bring me all your dirty socks to wash?"

The kids continued their laughing/farting fit and Tifa scrunched up her nose, going to the hall closet and getting a can of Linen and Sky Febreeze and spraying it in their room. "Right," she said, covering her nose and mouth with her free hand. "No more chili for you two."

* * *

_**A/N: This happens to my neice! Denzel's so cute when he blushes! I just want to squish him...but I'm afraid of what might come out! Reviews and requests are LOVED!!!**_


	3. Watch Where You Hawk That Thing!

**_A/N: Another request by dantesdarkqueen...my only reviewer, the only one besides myself BRAVE enough to admit that this type of stuff is humorous. We all laugh at it!! Embrace your inner nasty self! You know this is wicked funny! And I know you know it is because I see how many hits it's getting! Now REVIEW DAMMIT!!! _**

**_Now that I have bitched and insulted, all that's left to do is...DRINK!!! But first, let's take a crack at SPITTING!!!_**

**_Random pairings in these chapters. No rhyme or reason...just...I see them doing these things, so I write. The gift of the Unseen Sight...or something lame like that. I'M HIGH ON ICE CREAM!_**

**_Disclaimer: STFU...it ain't mine!_**

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"Hey Tifa!" 

Tifa turned around to see her long time friend coming into the bar. "Hey Barrett," she said sweetly. She studied his appearance and cocked her head in question. "Are you okay?"

Barrett coughed loudly into the crook of his prosthetic arm. "Nah," he grumbled. "Just a nagging cough is all. All those years in the coal mines back in Corel catching up to me, you know? Doctor says my lungs are as bad as a chain smoker. Cid could give me his lungs and I'd be a hell of a lot better off than I am now."

"Hmm," Tifa nodded, setting a shot glass down on the bar. She poured in a good shot of whiskey, squeezed some lemon juice in it and poured a bit of honey into the mixture. Then, she placed it in the microwave for about 30 seconds and handed it to him. "It's a Hot Tottie. It should help break some of that up for you."

Barrett sniffed the drink but chugged it down anyway. He winced as it burned all the way down his throat. "Damn! That's hot!"

Tifa giggled. "It's better if you sip it," she said, patting his real arm. "If downing it doesn't help, come back in later and I'll give you another one."

Barrett nodded. "Right," he said. "I'll be back after awhile anyway. I've gotta go get some parts for Spike's bike in town. Me and Vince are helping him repair it after he...uh..."

Tifa raised an eyebrow at him. "Did Cloud have an accident?" she asked in concern.

"Nah," Barrett said, quickly backing out of the bar. He pretended like someone was calling for him. "What's that, Vince? Yeah! I'm comin'! See ya, Teef!"

"Barrett!" she called after him, throwing her rag down in frustration. "Dammit!"

* * *

Vincent looked toward the large man stumbling out of the bar in his haste. "Hmph," he said in his attempt at laughter. "You almost told her about Cloud's accident, didn't you?" 

"Not my damn fault he doesn't want her to know," Barrett grumbled, sniffing loudly. "Besides, it ain't like he got hurt...too bad."

"True," Vincent replied as he fell into step beside Barrett, his metal boots clanging on the sidewalk.

Barrett coughed into his arm again, feeling some of the phlem loosening in his throat. Vincent glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes. "You really should go to the doctor," he advised.

Barrett snorted, causing him to cough again. "I'd rather have Hojo slice me up," he said, wincing after he said it. "Sorry Vince. No offense."

"None taken."

Barrett coughed again, this time breaking up a large amount of the ooze in his throat and bringing it into his mouth. Without even thinking, he turned his head and spit it onto the ground. Only, when it hit, instead of making a 'splat' sound, it made more of a 'ching!' Barrett looked over to where Vincent had stopped, noticing a rather large, rather green and black loogie sitting on the tips of Vincent's nice shiny boots.

"Uh..."

Vincent glared at Barrett with his piercing red gaze. "I just polished those," he growled.

"Sorry Vince," he said with a sheepish grin. "Couldn't just swallow it, though. Look at that thing! That's some nasty shit."

Vincent stared down at his feet, flinging the ooze off his boot. His lips curled in disgust. "Indeed."

Barrett sighed in relief and slapped Vincent's shoulder. "C'mon," he said. "After we get Spike's parts and head back to the bar, I'll buy you a drink. Tifa makes a bitchin' Hot Tottie."

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_**A/N: Poor Vincent's boots!!! REVIEW IF YOU VALUE YOUR HUMOR!!! I WILL KILL THIS STORY! SO HELP ME! I WILL! I'M A TURK ON THE EDGE!!!**_


	4. Sick of You!

_**A/N: COWARDS!!! I give you...the STOMACH FLU!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: Not mine!**_

* * *

"All right," Tseng said with a nod of his head. "Reno, you and Rude will escort the president to his luncheon and Elena, you and I will complete the paperwork from yesterday's mission." 

"Riight," Reno said with a grin, rolling his eyes. "Paaperwoork."

"You know, that's annoying when you extend the vowels like that," Elena grumbled, holding her bottle of water to her clammy forehead. "You're such an idiot."

"And what is this paperwork going to say?" Reno continued to tease. "'Time 15:00...Elena removes clothes; Time 15:05...Tseng inserts male genitilia inside Elena; Time 15:05 and 15 seconds; Mission Complete!"

Rude choked on the drink of water he was taking, removing his handkerchief to wipe his mouth and nose, all the while glaring at his partner. "Reno..." he said in warning.

"What?" Reno asked defensively. "'Laney knows I'm joking."

"You made her cry," Rude said softly.

Reno looked over to Elena and sure enough, tears were streaming from her eyes. Tseng glared at him. "Apologize," he ordered. "Now."

"Ah Shiva," Reno said, going down on his knees in front of her, real remorse in his voice. "'Laney, seriously," he said. "I didn't mean to make you cry, Babe! You know I'm a jackass..."

Elena turned green. "Reno, shut up," she whispered, her head hitting the conference table. "I don't feel so good."

Reno touched her forehead. "Shit!" he exclaimed. "She's burning up."

Tseng and Rude were at her side in the next second. "Elena?" Tseng asked, pulling her face up to look at him. He leaned foreward and placed his lips to her brow, testing the heat. "We need to get her down to the Medical Facility."

"Come on, Girl," Reno said, pulling her to her feet. Elena pitched foreward and grasped onto the lapels of his rumpled jacket, trying to keep herself from falling. She was swallowing convulsively, her mouth watering incessantly.

"Reno..." she tried to warn, but he wouldn't move. Her stomach heaved just then and everything she had eaten within the last 14 hours made an encore on the front of Reno's uniform.

"The fuck!" Reno said, casting an angry glare at Tseng. "Morning sickness?! You knock her up already?!"

"Don't be absurd!" Tseng growled, sweeping Elena up into his arms. "It takes longer than 24 hours to manifest into morning sickness."

Reno sneered at him. "Gotcha."

Tseng narrowed his eyes. "Bastard."

* * *

"Stomach flu," the nurse said, giving Elena a box of juice and patting her shoulder. "Be sure to get plenty of rest and lots of fluids. You're right hip will be sore for a while because of the shot we gave you, but you should be feeling better in a few days." 

"Thank you," Elena said as she drank her juice. The nurse left and her three co-workers came in.

Reno sat on the doctor's stool and spun around until he about fell onto the floor. "So?" he asked. "You pregnant?"

Elena chucked the empty juice box at him. "No, you asshole," she said weakly. "Stomach flu. You all need to get shots or else you'll end up with it too."

"Especially Tseng since you guys got up close and personal yesterday," Reno snickered.

"Especially you since you're still covered head to toe in my puke, you toilet," she retorted.

Reno looked down at himself and grimaced. "Riight," he said standing to go and laughing at her glare. He stood in front of Tseng. "Yo, Bossman...you okay?"

Tseng's normally pale face paled even further and his stomach relieved itself onto Reno as well.

"You know...there is a FUCKIN' trash can right there!" Reno snarled. "What is it with you people and puking on me?!"

Rude snickered as he followed his fuming partner out of the examination room to find a nurse to deal with Tseng. This was going to be an interesting few days.

* * *

**_A/N: Reno got puked on!_**

**_Reno: The FUCK?! Why the hell did you do that?_**

**_Me: I thought it was funny?_**

**_Reno: YOU get puked on and then laugh._**

**_Me: SweetCheeks, I have a two year old. I've been peed on, puked on and pooped on. So SHUT UP!_**

**_Reno: Shutting._**

**_Now, for the REST OF YOU (glaring at voyeurs) you need to review! Or else I'll send over Reno to give you all a hug...in his twice puked on suit, which is still in his closet, like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress._**

**_Reno: Bad visual. Bad hygeine. (shudders)_**

**_REVIEW!!!_**


	5. Doo Doo Run Run

_**A/N: Greetings to the brave who have ventured to review this fic. I salute you, dantesdarkqueen and Serenitychan13. And I have a present for you (hands them Immodium AD). You are going to need it as today, Kiddies, we are tackling...DIARRHEA!!! I suggest moving back a bit, for those in the first two rows will get wet.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Febreeze or Immodium AD. Not mine.**_

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Cloud swallowed hard as he pushed the throttle of Fenrir and tore through the countryside just outside of Edge. He was almost back at the bar. Almost to his home. Almost to his own bedroom with his private bathroom. 

His stomach rolled again. This...was bad.

_That's it_, he thought to himself. _I will NEVER eat Kalmish Sausage again_.

The streets of Edge were nearly empty as he tore through them towards Seventh Heaven. He pulled his bike into the small garage and leapt off, pocketing his keys. He ran into the bar and through the kitchen, giving the kids a wave as he ran through, acknowledging their shreaks of delight to see him returned. He ran up the stairs to his room, nearly barrelling over Tifa as he passed.

"Cloud!" she exclaimed with a smile.

"Can't talk," he grumbled. "Bathroom."

Tifa cocked her head in question as he disappeared into his room and she heard the bedroom door shut and then his bathroom door. "Oh," she said, shivering in disgust as she realized what was going on. Cloud Strife was NOT supposed to do _that_.

Unfortunately, given the fact that Cloud Strife was indeed a member of the human race, he did, in fact, do _that_. Add to his normal digestive system the fact that he had consumed half of his body weight in Kalmish Sausages during his delivery to the small town the previous day, and you have one severe case of irritable bowel syndrome. No sooner had his nether cheeks hit the cold porcelin did the contents of his digestive track erupt into the bowl in a disturbing rush of liquid warmth.

Cloud reached behind the toilet and grabbed the can of Febreeze, cursing under his breath when he realized the can was nearly empty. Giving himself a curtesy flush, he proceeded to rid his body of the tasty poison that had caused such an explosion in his intestines. Kalmish Sausages were a tasty treat he enjoyed very much, but at this particular stage in their digestion, he was cursing the fact that they burned like a mother fucker spewing forth from his rectum. (A/N: How's that for a mental image?)

Nearly forty-five minutes later, he vacated the improvised gas chamber, wiping the sweat from his brow. He looked around his room for a scented candle or something he could put in the bathroom to eleviate the stench. And then...he found it.

There, laying on his dresser were two gifts from the woman he shared the house with. The first was a blessed box of Immodium AD and a bottle of water. He quickly took the advised dosage and twisted the cap back on the water.

The second gift, was a box of matches.

Grinning, he walked back into the bathroom and lit half the box, pleased that the sulfuric smell from the matches burned away the aromatic yuck he had produced. Whistling happily, he returned down the stairs.

Marlene and Denzel threw themselves at his legs, clutching him in a death crip.

"Cloud! Do you get to stay for dinner?" Denzel asked hopefully.

Cloud ruffled his hair as he lifted Marlene up in his arms and grinned as she squeezed his neck in a fierce hug. "You bet," he said. "I'm home for a few days."

"All right!" Denzel yelled, dragging him into the kitchen. "Tifa made your favorite!"

"Really?" Cloud asked, his stomach already rolling as he prayed his worst fears weren't coming true.

"Yup!" Tifa said cheerfully bringing out a huge plate of the dish. "Kalmish Sausages!"

* * *

**A/N: EEWW!!! Cloud Strife, defeator of evil, savior of the world...has the runs!!! Review or I will send you Kalmish Sausage and NO IMMODIUM AD!!!**


	6. Really Ridiculously Itchy

_**A/N: And the Dark Force of Nasty Humor Enjoyers grows. Welcome to our newest brother/sister, Bjanik (gives you Unholy Meatball of Mold). Greetings. 'Tis time now to delve into that unholy otherworld of vermin. Yes, my brethren...I know you are all itching to take on...HEADLICE!**_

_**Disclaimer: Still, not mine. Neither is Nix. Or Zoolander.**_

* * *

_Smile you little, repulsive vermin or I'll shoot you_, Rufus thought as he posed for more pictures from the press with the clinging children. 

Tseng stifled a smile as he, Elena, Reno and Rude stood guard at the media frenzy of the opening of the ShinRa Educational Facility in Edge. "Do you think he's hugging that child or strangling her?" Elena asked, arching an eyebrow at her boss.

"I think he's doing well to restrain himself," Tseng said. "He's not snapped any necks yet."

Reno snorted. "I can already hear the PR announcement for this fucked up commercial," he said with a grin. "'At the Rufus ShinRa Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.'"

"Reno, quit stealing lines from Zoolander," Rude said. "That movie was lame anyway."

"Says you!" Reno replied. "That movie's comedic take on the dangers of male modeling in correlation to assasinations throughout the course of our Planet's history is what makes me glad I decided to be a Turk instead of a male model. I can still be ridiculously good looking without fear that my mind will be corrupted by those in a higher authority."

"Reno, you're just ridiculous," Elena grumbled. "Forget the good looking part."

"Blow me, Elena," he snapped. "You're just jealous that I'm sexier than you."

Elena shoved him. "You wanna take this to the street?" she hissed.

Reno stared down at her, all seriousness in his eyes. "Are you challenging me...to a walk off?"

"Oh for the love of Leviathan," Tseng said, pulling Elena away from Reno. "Both of you, knock it off and do your job."

"Asshole," Elena muttered in Reno's direction.

Reno gave her a face that alarmingly resembled Magnum and turned back to the President. "Okay, why is the Prez smiling like a demented goat high on aluminum?" he asked.

Tseng looked toward Rufus and chuckled. "Because he remembered that the clip in his gun holds more bullets than normal and now he is wondering how many children he could shoot with it," he answered. "You should be seeing a look of disappointment when he realizes that there are approximately 10 children more in the vicinity than bullets in his gun. In about...three...two...one..."

Rufus' smile dropped and a scowl covered his face. "Whoa," Reno whistled appreciatively. "You really do know everything, don't you, Bossman?"

"You'd do well to remember that, Reno," Tseng replied evenly.

"Looks like things are wrapping up," Rude commented, gesturing toward the press. Sure enough, they were packing their gear away and thanking the President for his time.

Rufus gave an obligatory smile to them, shaking several hands and granting hugs requested to him by the children calling him 'Uncky Roofie'. The Turks got into position; Rude and Reno searched the limo and Tseng and Elena escorted the President to the waiting vehicle. Rude took his place behind the wheel and Reno held the door open for Rufus, Tseng and Elena, then climbed in the front beside Rude.

"Get me as far away from this place as humanly possible and as fast as you can," Rufus snarled. "Remind me never to procreate."

"You did well, Sir," Tseng offered simply. Elena giggled but covered her mouth with her hand when Rufus shot her a glare.

"Ah, so Uncky Roofie didn't like the kiddies?" Reno teased.

"Reno, I still have a fully loaded firearm in my possession and I am itching to shoot something," Rufus said, scratching the back of his head in irritation.

"We'll be back at the office in about five minutes, Sir," Rude told him.

"Thank you, Rude."

* * *

The four Turks were seated in Rufus' office, watching the news coverage from the ShinRa Educational Facility with the President. 

"We hope to give children a chance to better themselves through an intensive scholastic program," Rufus was saying, a rather clingy child drapping herself from his arms.

"I really thought you were going to kill that one," Reno piped up.

Rufus scratched his head roughly. "I wanted to," he snarled. "She kept saying my hair smelled good and I was pretty."

Reno grinned. "But there's more to life than being really ridiculously good looking, Prez," he told him.

Elena threw a pillow at him. "Shut up!" she screetched.

Rufus scratched the back of his neck, feeling his skin crawl. "You know, if the existence of 'cooties' hadn't been disproven after my years in elementary school, I would swear that those children gave them to me," he grumbled. "I have not stopped itching since we got back."

"More than likely stress, Sir," Tseng told him.

"I've never had stress that itched, Tseng," Rufus snapped.

Reno got up and went to Rufus side. "Is it just your head?" he asked, tilting a lamp to get a better look at Rufus' scalp.

"Mostly," he said. "My neck itches as well."

Reno shown the light on Rufus' blonde locks, running his fingers through the strands. "Oh snap!" he gasped out, taking a step back.

"Reno, so help me...one more Zoolander reference and I will gut you!" Elena shrieked.

The red-head pointed to Rufus' head. "He's got lice!" he exclaimed getting away from Rufus as quickly as he could.

Tseng and Elena jumped up as well, taking a step to the door. "Are you sure?" Tseng asked, his eyes wide with fear, fingers running nervously through his own shining black locks.

"Oh my gods," Elena gasped, eyes filling with tears. "That's, like, the worse thing EVER!"

Reno joined them, covering his head with his jacket. "I swear!" he said. "I saw little buggy critters all in his hair. He's blonde so they show up really easy."

"Rude," Tseng said, pulling the other two with him. "I'm assigning you to deal with this...situation. You are the only one capable of handling this."

"Why him?" Rufus asked, scratching his head with both hands now.

Tseng rushed to the door with the others in tow. "He's bald!"

* * *

Rude ran the small comb through Rufus' hair, picking out the tiny parasites individually. He had shampooed the President's hair with Nix, three times in fact, to kill the little buggers. An exterminator was already in the President's office, taking care of the pest problem. The limo had been incenerated along with Rufus' suit. Now, he was sitting in the Medical Facility in a hospital gown with a large, bald Turk removing dead vermin from his glorious blonde hair. 

Rufus crossed his arms over his chest and sneered. "This...is why I won't procreate," he said to his silent hair stylist.

Rude gave him a small smile. "This," he said, flicking another dead parasite into the trash can. "Is why I won't grow hair."

Rufus didn't even bother to repress a chuckle. "Thank you, Rude," he said sincerely. "Those other cowards will pay for their treachery. Abandoning me during my hour of need."

Rude nodded in acknowledgement. There was a slight knock on the door, and three perfect, healthy heads of hair, one black, one red, and one blonde, poked inside sheepishly. "They're dead," Rude said with a sigh. "Just...pulling them out now."

They breathed a sigh of relief and came into the room. Reno handed Rufus a bag. "Here," he said. "We bought you some really, really good shampoo and conditioner to help get your hair back to it's natural glory."

Rufus snatched the bag from his hands and examined the contents. Nodding in approval, he said, "Thank you."

"That's some good shit, too," Reno told him. "It's super moisturizing. And as you know, 'Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty'."

"RENO!"

* * *

_**A/N: I don't know why the Zoolander thing came into affect, but it worked! Anyway, Rufus got the lice. The prick was always flipping his hair, so I thought it would be perfect. Heh heh! My scalp itched the entire time I wrote that, by the way! REVIEW!!!**_


	7. White Flakes Keep Falling Off My Head

_**A/N: A warm welcome is extended to those new brave souls who have ventured to review the Dreaded Fic. Greetings SparrowStrife, Bytemite and GuardianSaiyoko. Remember, requests are still welcomed, loved and cherished. I am nearing the end of dantesdarkqueen's requests, and though I still have a few ideas up my mucus encrusted sleeve, I love delivering what my viewers like. Now, let us go forward into the white wonderland of...DANDRUFF!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: AmazonTurk waives all rights to Final Fantasy VII and Selsun Blue. However, I reserve the right to picture any character of FFVII butt nekkid...as I am doing right now with Vincent. Oh, that's nice. Yes, turn that way. Very nice. Very nice indeed.**_

* * *

Since the 'unpleasantness' of Rufus' lice encounter, Tseng had become preoccupied with his hair, more so than before. The Wutain's pride and joy was his completely flawless, split end free, shining, black glossy locks. The strands fell over his shoulders and down his back like the finest, black Wutain silk, cascading against his broad muscles and adding to his exoticism. Yes, Tseng was a very vain man, but with good reason. He was not an idiot. He knew he was, as Reno so gloriously loved referring to himself, 'really ridiculously good looking.' 

But, unlike the red-head, Tseng took great care of his mane, using only the most gentle yet cleansing shampoos and conditioners on the folicles. Never had his hair been blow dried; nor had any heat powered instrument of hair design touched the flawless locks. He had it regularly trimmed by the same stylist for nearly 30 years, and never had more than exactly one-half of an inch been removed from the flow of satin.

Yes, his hair was perfect. His hair was the Promised Land of combs. Combs spoke of his hair in reverence. They whispered of its glory, knowing that if they were good combs and lived a good, just life, that all the missing teeth they endured, all the rank rats nests of red-headed demons they encountered would be worth it once they reached the Promised Land of Tseng's hair.

"Yo, Bossman, what's with your hair?"

Tseng's brain did the mental version of a record scratch. "Reno, what are you talking about?" he snapped, his hand going unconsciously to touch his perfect locks. "Don't try to tell me you see a gray hair, because I checked this morning and there are none."

"Not a gray hair, yo," Reno said daring to touch the blessed locks of the Wutain. Elena didn't even have that privilege. "It looks like some sort of funk. Like dried hair gel or something."

Tseng swatted Reno's hand away. "Don't touch my hair," he told him harshly. "I don't know where your hand has been."

"I don't know where your hair has been," Reno retorted with a sneer. "Rude, come check this out."

Rude glared at him over the tops of his sunglasses. "Do I look like someone who knows anything about hair funk?" he asked, returning to his newspaper.

"It's all over your shoulders and everything," Reno stated, brushing at Tseng's suit jacket. "Just some gross little white flakes."

_White...flakes?_

"Yo Laney!" Reno called out into the hall. "Get your ass in here!"

"Shut up!" she called back. "What do you want?"

"Just come into Tseng's office, you twit!"

Elena huffed and stormed into the office, placing her hands on her hips. "What...do...you...WANT?!" she asked indignantly.

Reno gestured to Tseng's hair. "Notice somethin' different about your boyfriend?" he inquired.

Elena took one look at Tseng and gasped, her hands instantly covering her mouth. "Oh my gods! You have...DANDRUFF!"

Tseng leapt from his chair and pulled open his closet, staring in shock into the mirror he kept nailed to the back of the door. "No," he said, shaking his head, watching in horror as the white flakes danced off his hair and onto the shoulders of his black jacket, like some sadistic snow storm. He thrust his fingers into his hair in despair. "NO!!!"

He collapsed to his knees, a sob escaping him. Elena was by his side in an instant. "Oh, Tseng," she cried, tears streaming down her face. "Don't worry. We'll get you some help."

Tseng pushed her away, bringing his jacket up over his head. "Don't look at me!" he hissed. "I'm a monster!"

Reno rolled his eyes. "Oh for the love of Odin," he exclaimed. He pushed himself away from Tseng's desk and gestured to Rude. "C'mon, Partner. Let's go get Tsengy Wengy some dandruff shampoo. Elena, you keep the drama king sedated, all right?"

Rude looked down at the crumbled form of his boss in disbelief. "It's just hair," he said with a shrug.

Elena snapped her head to look up at him. "You don't know anything!" she shrieked. "Just go! Get out of here, you big, bald BRUTE!"

Rude adjusted his tie. "Well...that was uncalled for," he said, following Reno out the door and pulling it shut behind him.

* * *

One bottle of Selsun Blue later and the dandruff...was still there. 

"What are we going to do?" Elena whispered. Tseng was sleeping peacefully on the couch in his office, three tranquilizers seeing to that. His wet and speckled mane drapped across the pillows to dry.

"Maybe the lab has something that would help," Rude offered.

Reno flipped out his cell phone an dialed the lab. "Yo Bernie!" he said with a grin. "Listen...need to call in a favor. Nah, I don't need that shit! I can last all night as it is! I...really? Huh...okay, put me down for some of that. Anyway, listen a friend of mine has a dandruff issue. Got anything for that that won't hurt his hair? He's kinda sensitive about it. How'd you know it was him? Oh! Yep...no doubt! So you got the goods? Bitchin'...I'll be down in five."

He placed the cell back in his jacket and grinned. "Done and done," he said, heading out the door to the lab. "Give him another tranquilizer. This may take some time."

* * *

Beautiful. Flawless. Not one speck of dandruff at all. The shine, still there. The silkiness, even better than before. 

"How long until that last tranquilizer wears off?" Rude asked, glancing at his watch.

"He should be coming to in about twenty minutes," Elena said, running her fingers through Tseng's hair lovingly.

"Good," Reno said, edging toward the door with Rude. "That should give us enough time to get the hell out of here."

Elena nodded and kissed Tseng gently on the lips. "I'm so sorry," she said. "But at least the dandruff is gone."

Tseng moved slightly, his eyes opening and staring at a shocked Elena. "Elena," he said, reaching for her. He spied Rude and Reno trying to get out of the door. "You two, stop. What happened?"

"Uh, we, uh...got rid of your dandruff," Reno said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Tseng's hands went up to his hair, relieved to feel it was still on top of his head. He was surprised to feel it was still as soft and manageable as before. He reached for Elena and kissed her fiercely on the lips. "Thank you!" he exclaimed, casting the two men at his door an appreciative smile. "I mean it, thank you."

He rose to his feet to go to his mirror. All three ran to stop him.

"Wait!" Elena said with a smile. "What are you doing?"

"Yeah," Reno said. "We should...we should...go out and celebrate your beautiful hair."

"I'm...jealous?" Rude offered.

Tseng's eyebrow went up in question. "Okay," he said. "Let me check my appearance and we'll go."

"You look fine."

"Dashing."

"Sexy."

Everyone stared at Rude who just shrugged.

"Move," Tseng ordered, going to his mirror. He stared at himself, the vein on the side of his head twitching ever so slightly. "You were going to take me out...like this?"

"It's...flattering."

"Cutting edge."

"Sexy."

"Dude," Reno said, backing away from his partner. "You're creepin' a bit."

"I look like a freakin' video game character!" Tseng yelled. "My hair is electric BLUE! How did this happen?'

Elena grabbed onto Reno's arm for support. "The solution we got from the lab reacted with the anti-dandruff shampoo from before," she explained.

Reno laughed. "Guess they don't call it Selsun Blue for nothing, huh?" he asked.

Elena managed a nervous giggle, but squeaked as Tseng lunged for them, Reno dragging her out the door and down the hall. Tseng turned his wrath on Rude, only to find the bald man staring at him with a smile.

"Blue is my favorite color."

* * *

_**A/N: I do not know where Rude's little fettish came from, but I'm laughing my ass off over here! Rude is 100 percent straight in this fic...just, he has a thing for blue, okay? Whatever. And Tseng was SO over the top with his hair, wasn't he? Heh heh!!! Review!!! (makes threatening gestures)**_


	8. First Fuckin' Time

**_A/N: I love being evil. And you all ROCK!!! Thanks for all the reviews and requests!!! Okay, Kiddies. this chapter is the last of dantesdarkqueen's original requests (except for the crabs thing) and, since I love her so much and she is so squishy and wonderful, I have given it an M Rating; so this chappie is Rated M, as in if you are not over 18 years of age and your parents can kick my ass, get the hell outta my fic! I will not have my lovlies deleted because the scent of lemony freshness awakens any hormonal impulses within your nether regions and you get yourself or someone else pregnant. WARNING: This fic may cause pregnancy. If you are under age, DON'T READ IT!_**

**_Disclaimer: Me, no own. You, no sue. We, be happy and laugh over silly things. Drink, much liquor. Lose, much brain cells. Ugh, forgot train of thought...OH RIGHT! FIC TIME!_**

* * *

Tifa looked at the clock and sighed. The bar had been closed for an hour, the kids were already in bed and the last of the glasses were drying on the counter. Time to relax. She poured herself a glass of red wine and hopped on the counter, swinging her legs over the edge. It was a manuever that Yuffie did quite often, but one that Tifa didn't feel she could get away with. However, she decided that since it was her bar, if she wanted to sit on the counter, she was damn well going to do it from now on. 

Sipping the liquid in her glass, Tifa closed her eyes and smiled. This was her favorite part of the evening, when everything was finished and she could just relax. If Cloud was home, he would usually be with her, sitting side by side at the bar, talking or just...sitting. He really had come a long way since Meteor and she was grateful. He was fun now and the kids loved him. And she loved him.

He would be home in the morning, so tomorrow night he would be sitting with her. She giggled as she thought about what he would do if he saw her sitting on the counter. She'd find out tomorrow.

The rumble of an engine sounded and a single headlight could be seen turning into the vicinity of the garage. Tifa craned her neck to look out the back window, but couldn't quite see. It _sounded_ like Fenrir, but Cloud said he wouldn't be home until tomorrow.

The door opened and he walked in. "Hey!" she said in surprised joy, setting her glass down on the counter and swinging her legs again. "You're home early."

Cloud looked over at her and grinned. "What are you doing?" he asked with a laugh.

"I'm sitting on the counter," she said returning the smile. "And it's fun. You want a drink?"

"I got it," he said, fumbling in the fridge and grabbing a bottle of beer. He hopped onto the counter next to her. Taking a drink, he cast a glance at her. "So, is this going to be our new thing now? Sitting on the counter?"

She shrugged. "Maybe," she said. "It's different."

Cloud laughed and nodded. "Definitely that," he said taking another drink.

"So why are you home so early?" she asked. "I thought you said you wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning."

He looked at the clock on the wall and grinned. "Technically, it is morning," he pointed out. "It's after one."

Tifa shoved him playfully. "Dork," she said rolling her eyes. Cloud laughed and watched as she tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear. He lowered the beer bottle from his lips and stared at her. She looked at him nervously. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

He shook his head and jumped off the counter, finishing the beer and tossing the empty bottle in the trash. He looked at her, sitting on the counter as she was and just stared. "Okay, you are totally freaking me out," she said. "Have I grown a horn or something?"

Cloud placed his hands on her thighs and moved to stand between her knees, looking straight into her eyes. "Have you...always been this beautiful?" he asked in awe.

Tifa blushed. "What?" she whispered, holding her breath.

Cloud stepped closer, his hands moving up her thighs to grasp her hips, his face mere centimeters from hers. "I think I just realized something," he said softly.

"What's that?" she breathed, her hands grasping his forearms.

"I think I'm in love with my best friend," he whispered, his lips closing over hers. Tifa drew in a breath in shock, her eyes widening as Cloud's lips melded with hers. Her grasp on his arms tightened in her surprise and she pulled back slightly, causing him to step forward, pressing his hips against hers. She could feel his already hardening arousal through his pants, a fact that surprised her even more.

Cloud pulled away from her, slight hurt shining in his eyes, taking what she had done as rejection. "I'm sorry, Tifa," he said softly, lowering his eyes and stepping back. "But, I've wanted to do that for longer than I realized."

Tifa watched as he backed away and started to head toward the stairs. She spun and lept off the counter, cutting off his retreat. "Cloud," she said, breathlessly. She clutched at his shirt, her eyes glancing at his chest, his shoulders, his arms, everywhere but his eyes. Finally she met his gaze, her hands fisting in the fabric of his shirt and pulling him to her. Her lips slammed into his as she pushed him against the wall at the base of the stairs, hands fumbling for the zipper of his shirt. She opened her mouth and his tongue instantly attacked hers as his arms wrapped around her possesively, drawing her closer against him.

They finally broke apart for air, staring at each other in shock. Cloud's face broke into a grin and Tifa quickly followed suit, burying her face in his shoulder. "I love you, Cloud," she told him, looking back up at him.

Cloud's mouth covered hers again and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He lifted her, wrapping her legs around his hips and started up the stairs as quietly as he could. Tifa giggled at the absurdity of it all, but quieted as he carried her past the kids' room and into hers. Closing the door with his foot, he lowered her to the floor, removing his already unzipped shirt from his body. Tifa kicked off her shoes and reached for the button of his pants. He made quick work of her shirts, tossing them over his head into a pile that was quickly growing on the floor. His boots were off in an instant and the remainder of their clothing followed shortly. He grasped her face in his hands and kissed her again.

"You sure?" he asked.

She nodded, smiling sweetly. "I've never wanted anything more than this," she answered truthfully.

Cloud ripped the comforter from her bed and eased her onto the soft cotton sheets, lowering himself on top of her and pulling the blanket back up to cover them. He placed a trail of kisses over her lips and down the side of her neck, over her shoulders, easing himself down to kiss the valley between her breasts. His hands reached up, caressing each breast as he trailed his tongue over her nipples. Tifa arched her back and gasped, her hands trailing down his back. Cloud continued his assault on her breasts, then looked up at her and grinned.

"They ARE real," he said, rubbing his cheek against her flesh.

Tifa laughed quietly and nodded. "Told you," she whispered back. Cloud moved back up to capture her lips with his, positioning himself between her legs. She could feel his weeping erection slipping up her thighs as he continued kissing her and caressing her, her entire body tingling from the wine and from him. Cloud was finally with her.

"I love you, Tifa," he whispered as he eased himself inside her. Tifa's back arched again and Cloud took the opportunity to attack her neck with a barrage of kisses as he started moving inside of her.

Tifa moaned loadly as Cloud continued to thrust, hitting her sweet spot nearly everytime he buried himself deep within her. "Cloud," she cried softly. "Oh gods!"

Cloud groaned out her name, his right hand trailing down her left side to grasp her hip. He quickened his pace when she urged him to. "Yes, Cloud," she cried, unable to control the volume of her voice. "Oh my gods! Cloud! Oh! Ah! AAHH!"

Cloud slammed into her harder and harder, burying his head in the crook of her neck, knowing he was not far off from his own orgasm and with Tifa screaming his name like she was, it was enough to push him over the edge. Just a few more thrusts...

"Cloud! Oh gods! Cloud!" _Yes, Tifa,_ he thought. _Scream out my name!_

"Oh! Cloud!"

This was it...just one more...

"STOP IT! YOU'RE HURTING HER!"

Cloud felt a body hurling itself onto his back, pounding his shoulders and head viciously. He cried out, unable to stop his orgasm, thrusting into Tifa a few more times.

"GET OFF MY MOM!"

"Denzel?!" Tifa shrieked, pulling the blankets up to cover herself.

Denzel was in tears. "Tifa, are you okay?" he asked, his eyes still blurry from sleep.

Tifa wrapped the blanket around her, shoving Cloud to the side of the bed so she could reach for Denzel. "Sweetie, I'm fine," she said with a warm smile, pulling him into her arms.

Denzel scrubbed at his eyes, glaring at a panting Cloud. "He was hurting you!" he cried, hugging her tightly. "I heard you screaming!"

Tifa blushed crimson. "Denzel, Cloud wasn't hurting me," she said, trying to explain. "We were...well..."

"Wrestling," Cloud interjected. Denzel looked at him in question. "Yeah, it was a new position I saw done by a Gongaga wrestler and I wanted to show Tifa."

"Really?"

Tifa stared at Cloud then turned to Denzel. "Uh huh," she said weakly.

"Oh," he said. "What's it called?"

"Uh...it's a variation of the body slam," Cloud told him.

Tifa giggled. "All right," she said, kissing Denzel's forehead. "Go back to sleep, all right? We'll see you in the morning."

Denzel rubbed his eyes. "You sure you aren't hurt?" he asked again.

"Promise," she answered.

"Okay," he said, walking toward the door. "Hey Cloud?"

"Yeah, Buddy?"

"Will you show me how to do that move?"

Cloud grinned and Tifa pinched him under the covers. "When you're older, Kid."

Denzel shrugged and closed the door behind him. Tifa lay back against the pillow and erupted into laughter. "Oh my gods!" she cried. "We got caught!"

"First fucking time!" Cloud said, laying beside her and delving his hands through his hair.

Tifa propped herself up on her elbow and grinned at him. "It was still good," she said.

Cloud rolled over and tackled her, tickling her mercilessly. "It'll just get better, Baby," he said, kissing her again.

Tifa giggled and kissed him back. "Hey Cloud?" she whispered.

"Yeah, Tifa?"

She grinned wickedly. "Lock the door."

* * *

**_A/N: Not the zestiest lemon I've ever written, but...eh. We'll call it a Lemon Drop...real sweet with lotsa sugar. REVIEW or Denzel will interrupt all of YOUR sexual rendezvous!_**


	9. A Child's Plea

_**A/N: I'm gonna call this a companion piece to the previous chapter because, well...Denzel's just too cute! If I have a male child, I want him to be just like Denzel because he's just too squishy! This will also tie in with the next chapter nicely. Yes, very nicely indeed.**_

_**Disclaimer: Not mine.**_

* * *

Yuffie spun around on the bar stool, waiting for the call that the airship was ready to take off for her upcoming mission. 

"Stupid airship," Yuffie mumbled, still spinning. "Horrible, evil, wicked Yevon defying machina!"

She stopped spinning. "Ookay," she said shaking her head. "Where the hell did that come from? Need to stop spinning. Brain is no longer functioning correctly."

A loud noise, resembling that of a cinder block bouncing down the stairs diverted her attention from her malfunctioning brain. The cinder block landed on the bottom of the stairs and ran toward her, his dark chocobo feathers...er, hair flopping with the movement.

"Hey Yuffie!" Denzel said with a smile.

"Kiddo!" Yuffie said, leaping off the bar stool and grabbing him in a hug. "What's up, my little man?"

He pushed away from the hug and glared at her. "Don't hug me," he pouted adorably.

Yuffie grabbed him in a head lock and proceeded to administer 'noogies'. "Until you get bigger than me, I get to hug you anytime I want," she teased, letting him go as he tried to squirm away.

"Not funny," he said crossing his arms. His precious little angelic features then brightened (A/N: You cannot tell I love Denzel, can you?). "Hey Yuffie...you're a girl, right?"

"Last time I checked," she grinned.

His eyes turned to saucers. "Will you do something for me?" he whispered.

"Sure, Kiddo," she said, leaning forward to hear him better.

"Will you make sure that Tifa isn't hurt?" he asked, his eyes filling with tears.

Yuffie snapped back up to her full height. "Why?" she asked almost in panic. "Did something happen?"

Denzel nodded slightly. "I woke up last night and she was screaming," he whispered. "I went into her room and Cloud had her pinned to the bed and he was doing this really mean looking wrestling move that he learned from some guy in Gongaga and she kept screaming and he just kept body slamming her and..."

"Whoa...WHAT?!" Yuffie shrieked, trying to cover her mouth, eyes, and ears at the same time. "This was going on where?"

"In Tifa's room."

"That little..." Yuffie said, glowering. She told Tifa EVERYTHING, and in turn she expected to be told EVERYTHING. That she and Cloud had finally consumated their friendship/infatuation/obsession/love, and she had not been told made her see red.

Nope, wait...that was Vinnie's cape. Airship must be about here.

Yuffie knelt down and grasped Denzel's shouders in her hands, smiling at him as she did. "Okay Kiddo," she told him. "Tifa's fine. I saw her today and she's peachy. A little more cheerful than normal, if that's even possible, but she's cool. Not hurt at all."

Denzel smiled. "Promise?"

Yuffie made a crisscross over her heart. "Cross my heart and hate to fly," she vowed.

Denzel actually hugged her. "Thank you, Yuffie!" he said, taking off outside to play.

Yuffie waved him off, her smile fading to a scowl. "Oh, that little sneaky, virginity losing hussy!" she seethed. "When I get back, I am so going to give that young lady a talking to!"

The theme from Super Mario, Bros. started up and she reached for her phone. "I am the ray of light in the sea of darkness. I am the Single White Rose of..."

"Shad your ass up and get on the ship, Brat!" Cid barked.

"Asswipe!" she yelled as she slammed her phone closed. She started out the bar and skidded to a stop.

"The fuck?!" she shrieked, looking back toward where Denzel had exited. "Did he say that Cloud learned that move from a...GONGAGAN WRESTLER?!"

* * *

_**A/N: I...am an evil villain. Review or I will kill this cute little puppy. (puppy licks my face and whimpers) OH, it is so cute! (squishing puppy gently) I will name you Denzel and you will be mine! And you will be my Denzel and I will love you and take care of you and protect you from evil villains who try to kill you for reviews...but that's in the past now! And you are my Denzel! REVIEW PLEASE!!**_


	10. music playing Theme to Titanic

_**A/N: Okay, Kiddies. Our next request comes from GuardianSaiyoko who said, and I quote, "Ha, I'm amused. There should be more reviews than this! I have a suggestion: Seasickness. For whatever reason I am completely immune to it, so it is the funniest thing in the world to me. Nothing beats being the only one on the boat NOT puking their guts over the rail!" And I concur and all points. My sister suffers from it, I do not. Yay.**_

_**Disclaimer: Not mine.**_

* * *

Yuffie breathed in the salty sea air, closing her eyes as the sun caressed her skin, the boat slicing through the ocean in a straight path from Junon to Costa del Sol. She loved traveling by boat. Airsickness plagued her; however, she laughed in the face of seasickness. She was, after all, a child of Leviathan, great God of the Sea. 

She leaned back against the railing, searching for her companions. She and Vincent had accepted another mission from Reeve and the W.R.O. to help the people of Gongaga convert their destroyed Mako reactor to a more Planet friendly electricity generating wind mill. They had been en route on Cid's airship, the Shera, when it experienced unforseen difficulties. It was currently stationed in Junon undergoing repairs. Cid, however, was on the boat with them, having agreed to help with the wind mill as well, propeller motors being one of the many things he specialized in.

Vincent was standing under an awning, avoiding the sun as much as possible. Yuffie grinned at him and made her way to stand beside him. "Afraid of combustion should the sun touch you, Vampire Boy?" she teased.

Vincent glared at her with his eery ruby gaze. "I'm not a vampire, Yuffie," he replied. "You of all people should know that."

"True," she returned with a smile. "But I've seen you in the sun a _few_ times."

"My skin is sensitive," he offered. "Thirty years in a coffin will do that to a person."

"I guess so," she said, cringing when she heard the unmistakable sound of someone being vilely ill. "Ugh, I hate hearing that. It's nasty."

"If we were in the Shera, the roles would be reversed," Vincent pointed out.

"Yes, but at least I have the decency to avoid being heard."

"I hear you all the time," the gunman said with a sneer. "You are very loud when you are emptying your stomach of all it's contents."

"That's just because you have, like, unreal hearing capabilities and shit," she grumbled. She wrinkled her nose as another round of heaving was heard. "Should we...you know, check on him?"

"No."

"But he might appreciate the compassion."

"I'm not a very compassionate person."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Riight," she said, placing her hands on her hips.

"You're already picking up on some of your new boyfriend's more annoying habits," he said with a slight smile.

Yuffie returned to smile. "I'm not chain smoking...yet," she laughed, moving towards the stern of the ship. "I'm gonna go check on him."

"I have an unused coffin you can borrow should he kill you."

Yuffie turned back towards the crimson clad enigma. "Vincent, did you just make a joke?" she asked in shock.

Vincent merely lowered his face behind his cloak to hide his smile. Yuffie shook her head and gingerly made her way over to the suffering individual. "Hey there, big guy," she said sweetly. "How are you doing?"

Cid's face turned, pale and ashen, but he still managed to give her the nastiest look he could manage. "I'm pukin' my mother fuckin' guts out, Brat," he snarled, a piece of regergetated bacon hanging off his chin. "I have no more fluids left in my body and I can't even stop pukin' long enough to get in a decent drag off a cigarette."

"Hey! We should put you in a boat more often!" she exclaimed. "It could help you stop smoking!"

"Not funny!" he yelled, leaning over again to heave into the ocean.

"You know, I think you're killing the fish," Yuffie told him pointing to the floating pieces of toast in the water.

"Shad up."

"You want a soda or something?" she offered. "Sometimes, a lemon lime one helps settle my stomach."

Cid swallowed and managed a slight nod, flinging a strand of puke away from his face. "Yeah," he said. "Thanks, Kiddo."

Yuffie ruffled his hair. "No problem," she said turning to walk away. "Oh, and I've got some motion sickness pills I keep on me for when I have to fly in the airship. You want some of those, too?"

Cid glared at her smirking face. "You mean to tell me, you little materia stealing brat, that you have had fuckin' motion sickness pills, the whole fuckin' time I've been sufferin' over here?" he yelled.

Yuffie shrugged and smiled. "Remember all those times on your airship that you would intentionally put the ship into a freefall to make me spew my guts out?" she asked. Cid paled again. "Payback's a bitch, Captain."

"So are you, Yuffie!" he called after her. "Get me them damn pills and a soda!"

Yuffie walked off, laughing to herself as she heard Cid puke again. Revenge was fun.

* * *

**_A/N: Eh...not my favorite chapter, but...oh well! Review!_**


	11. Magic Number

_**A/N: Evilness is necessary for obtaining the good in us all. Let me be the villain who brings out your best. MUAH HA HA HA!!! And...you guys ROCK!!! This fic has 1,001 hits already! (doing the Happy Dance) Hits are good...reviews are better! Keep 'em coming. Let me sweeten the deal...after I hit 100 reviews, I'll stick in another lemon, all right?**_

_**Okay, so not too cringe inducing on this one. But, this is something that everyone has had brought up at least once in their lifetime. Enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: NOT MINE!**_

* * *

Reno bent over and kissed Yuffie on the side of her neck gently, running his fingers through her hair. She grinned at him as she reached for her shot of tequilla and downed it, sucking on a lime wedge after setting her glass down. 

"Teef's got the best booze in all of Gaia," she said, raising her now filled glass to the brunette in question.

Reno stared at the bartender. "They're nice, but I like yours too, Yuff," he drawled out.

Yuffie elbowed him as Tifa laughed. "I said 'booze' not 'boobs' you asshole!" she laughed. Vincent had moved to the bar at this point, sitting a couple of stools down from Yuffie and Reno. Tifa poured him a glass of red wine with a smile.

All the former members of AVALANCHE had gathered at Tifa's bar for a small get together. Reno had come along since he and Yuffie were now dating. Denzel and Marlene were staying with friends, and Cloud was currently out in the garage with Barrett and Cid, adding a few additions to Fenrir. They promised they would be in after it was finished.

"Gawd, is that all you think about?" Yuffie teased. "Boobs and sex?"

"Nah," Reno said, tossing back a shot. "There's alcohol, too. Which, when drunk by the case usually ends in sex."

Yuffie spun around and leaned her back against the bar. "All right, Mister Notorious Ladies Man," she began in a teasing tone. "What's your magic number?"

"Magic Number?" he asked equally as teasing. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"How many chicks have you scored with?" she asked. "Me included."

"Hmmm..." he said, tapping his chin in question. "Loaded question. I refuse to answer based on the fact that I would like to keep my genitilia in three pieces...and in their original state."

Yuffie snorted and erupted into laughter. "I'm not the jealous type," she said. "Besides, if I harmed you, then what would I do?"

"I got you that vibrator for your birthday, Yuffie," Tifa teased. "It doesn't wear out. Just give it new batteries and you're good to go."

"Okay," Reno grumbled as Yuffie slapped Tifa a high five over their erupted laughter. "If I tell you, you tell me."

Yuffie stuck her hand out and shook his. "Deal."

Reno thought for a moment, mentally adding up all the girls over his lifetime. During his mental calculations, the two blondes and the gun arm all made their way back into the bar. Cid sat next to his wife, Shera, at the bar and chugged back a shot of whiskey. Barrett sat on the other side of Vincent and Cloud came up behind Tifa and kissed her cheek tenderly, patting her backside in affection.

"Okay, ball park would have to be...25," he said in a sort of embarrassed voice. "That's just the names I can remember."

"What are you talkin' about?" Cid asked, lighting up a cigarette.

"They are talking about how many people they've slept with in their lifetime," Nanaki told him, lapping at a bowl of Merlot on the floor. "Animals."

"You're just jealous because you're the last of your species," Reno teased, tossing pretzels at him. "The lion/dog thing's a virgin!"

"I'm saving myself," Nanaki said in defense.

Yuffie snorted again, quickly wiping the tequilla dripping from her nose. "All right, Babe," Reno said, pulling at her headband playfully. "You're turn."

She laughed and ruffled his hair. "Fine," she said. "Okay, you, of course."

"Naturally," he said flicking her chin.

"Uh, I lost it to this guy back in Wutai when I was sixteen," she said, scratching her head. "Can't remember his name...wasn't that memorable. And...uh, one other guy, so three. Three is my magic number."

"Wait, who's the other guy?" Reno asked.

"Uh, um," she said, laughing nervously. "You know, just a guy I worked with during the Deepground thing."

Vincent calmly took a drink of his wine and Reno's eyes shot to him. "SHIT!" he exclaimed. "You slept with the vampire?!"

"He's not a vampire," Yuffie said defensively. "He's just really...goth."

"Wait, I didn't even know about this!" Tifa said indignantly. "Yuffie! How could you not tell me you and Vincent slept together?"

"It was a one time thing!" Yuffie explained. "It was right after I found him in Nibelheim after that bitch Rosso tore a hole in his chest. Well, after it healed up anyway."

"You banged the brat, Vince?" Cid chuckled taking a drink of his whiskey.

Vincent sighed, casting a sidelong look at Yuffie. "I did not 'bang' her, Cid," he said calmly. "But, yes, we did sleep together. And don't call her a brat."

"Thanks, Vinnie," Yuffie said with a smile towards the gunman.

"You're welcome, Yuffie," he answered, returning the smile.

"Is there something going on that I need to know about?" Reno fumed.

"Reno, it's in the past," Vincent said. "It was before you and Yuffie even started acting civilly towards each other. Just two friends turning to each other during a difficult situation. I'm sure one of your twenty-five plus happens to be Elena, correct?"

Yuffie turned to Reno and raised an eyebrow in question. Reno's face flushed the color of his hair. "Yeah, well, okay," he said.

Yuffie giggled and Tifa shook her head. "I still can't believe you didn't tell me, Yuffie," she said, hurt in her voice.

"Oh, don't even start with me," Yuffie replied rolling her eyes. "I had to find out you and Cloud were no longer platonic from a ten year old."

Tifa blushed crimson. "What are you talking about?" she stuttered, Cloud's drink paused midway between the bar and his lips as he waited.

Yuffie grinned wickedly. "Denzel came to me almost in tears asking me to check on you because he told me he walked into your room and saw Cloud on top of you, body slamming you into the mattress and you were screaming your head off," she answered.

"You let the boy walk in on ya?" Barrett bellowed. "You ever heard of a lock, Spike?"

"We didn't think about it at the time," Cloud mumbled, face matching Tifa's.

"Since we're on the subject," Reno said with a grin to match his girlfriend's. "What's Strife's magic number?"

"One," Cloud said, staring daggers at him. "End of story."

"Aw," Yuffie squealed. "You lost it to each other? How cute!"

Tifa blushed again, going to fill everyone's glasses. Reno noticed her attempt to distract everyone's attention away and picked up on it immediately. "I don't think so. Lockheart...magic number."

Cloud looked at her expectantly. Tifa just blushed again. "Oh, you already know that," she said with a nervous laugh.

"What the fuck?" Yuffie screamed. "Cloud wasn't your first?"

"What the fuck?" Cid exclaimed, looking at Cloud. "You didn't boink Aeris?"

Tifa and Cloud both started talking at once.

"It was a long time ago, and Cloud was gone..."

"Well, we were about to go to the Temple of the Ancients..."

"Zack was there and I didn't know Cloud was..."

"One thing lead to another and..."

"Yeah, we did," they both said at the same time.

Everyone stared at them, mouths agape. Vincent was the first to speak. "So, you, Tifa, slept with Aeris' boyfriend, Zack," he began, turning his gaze to the blonde. "And you, Cloud, slept with Zack's girlfriend, Aeris."

They both nodded guiltily.

"So when you said 'one',Cloud, you meant one other than Tifa?" Yuffie asked, grinning.

He nodded.

Barrett snorted and chugged down his shot. "What a fucked up quad," he said shaking his head.

Tifa's eyes flashed at him. "What's your magic number, Barrett?" she asked.

"Four," he answered, motioning for her to fill his glass. "My high school sweetheart, her best friend, my deceased wife and some chick I picked up at the Honey Bee."

"Honey Bee girls, huh?" Reno said, paling slightly. "We gotta count those?"

Yuffie kicked his shin. "Dork," she said, flicking tequilla at him.

"Wait just a fuckin' sec," Cid said, scratching his head. "Vince, you boinked the brat...I mean, slept with Yuffie."

Vincent sighed. "Cid, the conversation has taken several steps forward since that was determined," he told him. "Try to keep up with the grown up conversation."

"Shad up," the pilot grumbled. "Did you ever bang...er, sleep with that scientist chick, Lucinda?"

"Lucrecia," Vincent corrected. "No, regrettably, I never did."

Cloud balked. "So, was Yuffie your...first?" he asked in disbelief.

Yuffie spewed the drink she had just taken and turned expectantly to Vincent. "Was I?" she squeaked.

Vincent chuckled. "Don't be absurd," he said. "I was 27 when I met Lucrecia and I was a Turk. I'd had my fair share of lovers at that point."

"How many?" Reno challenged.

Vincent turned a ruby glare to him. "That number you displayed," he began. Reno nodded. "Multiply that by 2. The majority are probably still employed in your division as senior Turks. Ask them."

Reno dropped to his knees. "I bow to your greatness, oh Lord of Darkness," he teased.

Yuffie pulled him up by his hair. "Reno, do you really want one of those pointy ass boots to your face?" she asked sweetly.

Reno scrambled to his feet. "Good point," he said, grinning at his own joke.

"Gawd, you're lame," Yuffie said rolling her eyes.

"Cid," Vincent said, turning to him and grinning predatorially. "Your turn."

"Three," he answered instantly, shooting a look at Shera.

"Wait!" Reno said throwing his arms up. "Is this like the Rule of Three? Like, whatever you say, I divide by three and that's how many you actually slept with? So...3 divided by 3 is...is..."

"ONE!!" everyone yelled at him.

"Riight," Reno replied, grinning at Cid.

"Wait," Yuffie said, turning Reno to look at her. "Why didn't you ask about the Rule of Three with me?"

"Because two of the three you slept with are present, Yuffie," Vincent told her with a small smile.

"Oh yeah."

"So, Cid?" Cloud asked. "Three or one?"

Cid puffed on his cigarette and cursed under his breath. Shera giggled and replied, "Just one. And before you ask, just one for me as well, though we didn't wait until we were married."

"Awwww," Yuffie cooed. "Cid that is so cute!"

"Shad up, Brat!" he yelled. He grabbed Shera by the hand. "C'mon...I'm tired."

"Riight," Reno said, Yuffie rolling her eyes as he did. He downed the rest of his shot. "You ready to go too, Yuffs?"

"Yeah," she said, standing up and wobbling slightly. Vincent reached out a hand to steady her and she grinned at him, placing a chaste kiss to his cheek. "Night Vinnie."

"Good night, Yuffie," he answered kindly. "Reno."

Reno nodded. "Vincent," he replied. He drapped his arm around Yuffie and they stumbled out of the bar. "Night guys!"

"Be careful," Tifa called as she started cleaning up the glasses. Barrett downed the rest of his booze and stood up as well.

"I'll see y'all."

"Night Barrett."

"I'm off as well," Vincent said. He turned to the snoozing guardian of Cosmo Canyon. "Hmm, looks as if Nanaki will be staying the night with you."

Tifa smiled. "He'll be fine," she said. "Good night, Vincent."

Vincent inclined his head and gave Cloud a small wave as he left.

Cloud went and locked the doors behind him, jumping over the bar and helping Tifa with the dishes. "You aren't...mad, are you?" he asked.

"About what?"

"You know...me and Aeris."

Tifa laughed softly. "No, I already figured you had," she answered. "What about you? With me and Zack?"

He sighed and smiled, taking her in his arms. "Doesn't matter," he said, bringing his forehead to hers. "What matters is now. You're mine and I'm yours. The past is the past and the future is ours."

Tifa smiled beautifully at him. "Right," she said with a nod. "And the house is empty except for us."

"And a virgin lion/dog thing."

* * *

_**A/N: Nanaki's a virgin! I couldn't justify him being anything other than that considering that he is the only one of his species. Though the end of the game indicates he found a mate considering the two offspring flanking him. Unless he has the capability to reproduce by budding. Besides, how would he masterbate? (shudders) BAD MENTAL IMAGE!!!! Reviews are loved!**_


	12. Reno vs Imitrex

_**A/N: Our next chapter comes from Serenitychan13. She requested and I quote, "Thank you SO MUCH for not giving Reno lice. Borrowing a line from Elena - if you give Reno crabs, I will gut you. Reno either needs a stomach virus, a migraine (Excedrin will mess you up and you KNOW Reno would take like 8 of them and be on a caffeine rush for godknowshowlong) or a hangover." I have decided to take this request and see you...hangover shits. Reno drinks like a fish (never did understand that saying, but that's beside the point). The point is...Reno drinks...a lot. So, after a night of heavy drinking (see previous chapter), he wakes up with a migraine from hell, hangover shits and...well, just read it. You'll see. Again, the first two rows will get wet.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own FF-VII, Pepto or Imitrex...thank GOD! That is some messed up shit!**_

* * *

"Get your ass up! You're gonna be late for work!" 

_Must...kill...perky...ninja_, his throbbing mind goaded him. _EMR...zap! Done._

But then he would have to deal with the smell of burnt Wutain flesh on top of this nasty feeling in his gut. No. Bad. Get up. Get rid of her.

"Ugh."

"That...was intelligent," Yuffie giggled, leaping onto the bed. "C'mon. Tseng'll have your ass if your late again."

"Don't...fuckin'...care," he grumbled, rolling over to look at her. HISS! Light! "Why aren't you hung over? You drank as much...uh...you drank last night, too."

Yuffie reached into her pocket and produced a bottle of pills, rattling them at him. Reno winced and snatched them. "What are these? Your happy pills?"

"Imitrex," she explained. "Migraine medicine. Knock one back and your headache is gone in fifteen minutes."

Reno opened the bottle and poured five into his hand, popping them in his mouth and swallowing them down. Yuffie balked. "Holy shit, Reno!" she exclaimed. "Those are powerful pills! You're not supposed to take more than two in a 24 hour period!"

"Yeah, and you're also not supposed to drink until you need a blood transfusion either," he grinned sheepishly.

"True."

His stomach started rolling and he pushed her off the bed. "Move it," he growled, stumbling into the bathroom. "My ass is about to blow."

"Charming," she mumbled rolling her eyes. "Pepto's on the table. I'll see you tonight, okay?"

She was answered by a very disturbing noise that sounded much like water pouring into water. Yuffie scrunched her nose in disgust. "Good luck with that!" she giggled.

"Blow me!"

"No fuckin' way!"

"Love you, too, Ninja Bitch!"

Yuffie laughed. "Later, my Turkey Sandwich!"

"I'm trying to take a shit!"

"I'm trying to be nice!"

"Then come wipe my ass!"

"Wipe the come off your own ass!"

"Bitch!"

"Love you!"

Yuffie closed the door to Reno's apartment and laughed. She really did love him.

* * *

"You're late." 

"I'm hung over, you sadistic bastard," Reno grumbled. "And only by...fifteen minutes. That's good for me!"

Tseng arched an eyebrow in warning. "Reno..."

"Look, Tseng," Reno sighed. "Give me about ten minutes and I'll be fine. I took some headache pills Yuffs had. Pepto's working nicely on the hangover shits. My ass feels like it has rug burn, but other than that, I'll be fine as soon as these pills kick in."

Tseng shook his head. "Ten minutes," he said. "Go get some coffee."

Reno saluted him and made his way into the break room. Elena was uncovering a dish of what looked like turkey rollups. Reno pointed to it. "What the fuck is that?" he asked.

Elena shrugged. "I was experimenting with some appetizers last night and brought them in for everyone to try," she said. "I was bored. It's a flour tortilla with turkey, gouda cheese and ranch dressing. They're pretty good. Try some."

Reno's stomach was starting to feel a little better so he reached for one, taking a hesistant bite. "Hmm," he said, chewing and swallowing the first one. "These are pretty good, Laney."

She beamed. "Thanks Reno," she said. "Help yourself, okay?"

Reno poured himself a cup of coffee and plopped down in front of the tray. "Don't mind if I do," he said, stuffing another one into his mouth.

* * *

Tseng glanced down at his watch and frowned in disapproval. Ten minutes had come and gone and Reno was still not in his office. Rising from his seat, the Wutain exited his office and ventured down the hall. 

"Elena," he said when he spotted his blonde lover. "Have you seen Reno?"

"Last I saw him, he was in the break room eating those appetizers I brought in," she said. She smiled. "Have you tried them yet?"

He returned the smile. "I will when I check to see if he's in there," he said offering her his arm. "Care to join me for a coffee break?"

She blushed. "I'd love to," she answered.

They entered the breakroom, stopping and staring in horror at the writhing mass of red hair on the floor. Reno was twitching, drool oozing down the side of his face. His eyes were wide opened, but it was clear he wasn't seeing anything.

Tseng dropped to his knees, grabbing the redhead by his shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Reno!" he exclaimed. "Reno, answer me, damn it!"

"My drop box needs armed," Reno muttered, his hand trying to grasp at Tseng's jacket. "Blue sand eat feet."

"What's wrong with him?" Elena asked, looking down in concern.

Tseng shook his head. "Call Yuffie Kisaragi and see what he took this morning," he ordered. "He said something about taking some headache pills. It looks like he's having a reaction."

Reno heard all this coming from the blurry figures in front of him. _Get me to the Medical Facility_, his brain screamed. All that came out of his mouth was, "Whipped glass paper iPod."

"Right. Thanks Yuffie," Elena said, closing her phone. She turned to Tseng. "She said he took five Imitrex this morning."

Tseng nodded. "Call the Medical Facility and have them send someone up to get him," he said. Reno grabbed onto Tseng's neck, pulling himself up.

_Finally, you stupid mother fucker_, he thought. What came out was, "Bunny suma beaded lullaby."

Reno fell back against the floor, rolling over to face the tile. He then proceeded to vomit up the coffee and the half tray of Elena's appetizers he had consumed. The half digested ranch and turkey rolls came up with a vengeance, the smell so sour and foul that Tseng had to stand up and take a step back, covering his face with his handkerchief.

The Medical Facility staff arrived shortly, taking the blabbering Turk to the Facility. Tseng turned to Elena as they stood outside the breakroom. "I apologize," he said with a grimace. "But there is no way I'm going to try that stuff."

Elena nodded, watching the janitor clean up the mess.

* * *

Yuffie looked up from her magazine and smiled as Reno walked through the door of his apartment. "Hey Babe," she said cheerfully. She cocked her head at his disheveled appearance and crinkled her nose at the smell coming from his clothes. "What happened to you?" 

"Your damn voodoo pills, that's what!" he snapped, throwing himself down on the sofa. "They fucked my brain up something fierce."

"Yeah, I was wondering why Elena called me," she said, scooting away from him. "You need a shower."

He nodded and stood up. "Remind me never to drink that much again or take any more of those things...ever," he said, making his way into the bathroom.

"What do you want for dinner, Turkey?" she called returning to her magazine.

She was answered by a very disturbing noise that sounded much like water pouring into water as Reno, once again, threw up at the mention of turkey.

* * *

_**A/N: This actually happened to me. The BC pills I was on triggered severe migraines, so the doctors gave me Imitrex to counter them. I was helping make appetizers for a friends wedding (yes, THOSE appetizers) and I was sampling them. I felt a migraine start up, took an Imitrex...it didn't touch it. Took another one and the above scenario occurred. I was thinking what I wanted to say, but it would not come out that way. It was like all of my synapses unhooked and resnapped to something totally different. Very bizarre. And ranch dressing puked up is the worst smell ever. I promise you that. Okay, now that we've had an intimate portrait from AmazonTurk...REVIEW!!!**_


	13. ChaChaChaChanges!

_**A/N: I'm setting up another chapter with this one. Something has to be in place for dantesdarkqueen's request to take effect. **_

_**Disclaimer: So not mine.**_

* * *

Shelke stared in nonemotional, monotonous curiousity. 

"It appears as if I have some sort of hair folicles sprouting in various places," she said with a bored voice. "Perhaps I should ask Vincent Valentine or Reeve Tuesti about this."

She exited her room in the W.R.O. headquarters and made her way down the halls, her expression blank. _However_, she thought to herself. _They have expressed to me that discussing the changes my body has now decided to undergo on it's own is not something that is appropriate for them to advise me on, considering the fact that they are males. I suppose another female would be better suited to analyze this situation._

Hyperactive giggling could be heard a little ways up. Shelke recognized the laughter of her peer and decided she would be a good choice to assist with the matter at hand. Approaching the taller young woman, Shelke waited patiently as Yuffie ended her phone conversation.

"Hey Shelke," Yuffie said cheerfully, placing her cell phone back in her pocket. "What's up?"

Shelke stared at her. "I suppose that the only answer for that would be the sky," Shelke replied. "Though considering that it is merely a combination of gasses that surround the Planet, that would not quite be an accurate statement."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "It's a slang term," she told her. "It means 'how are you and what can I help you with'."

"I see," Shelke replied. "I suppose it is more time conserving to use a two word term rather than such a detailed sentence to relay the sentiment. I'm fine, thank you and I was hoping that you could assist me with a situation I am having. What's up with you?"

Yuffie blinked. "Ookay," she said. She shook her head to clear it. "I'm okay and I guess I'm helping you with you're 'situation'," she said. "What is the situation?"

"Perhaps it would be better if we went back to my quarters as it is in a somewhat private area on my person," Shelke told her, turning to lead the way. "I appreciate your help with this, Yuffie Kisaragi."

"No problem," Yuffie said cheerfully, following her down the hall. They stepped into Shelke's room and the shorter woman closed the door and locked it.

"I do not wish for anyone else to know about this until I am sure it is nothing to be concerned about," she explained in her same monotonous tone. "I do not wish for anyone to become alarmed if it is nothing."

"Okie dokie," Yuffie said, flopping down on the bed. "So...spill. What's going on?"

Shelke cleared her throat. "As you know, since my days in Deepground, I no longer require daily Mako showers to maintain my strength," she began. "In fact, my body is growing stronger by the day. Also, without the constant Mako in my blood stream, my body has begun to change, thus turning me from a child into what I would assume is a teenager."

"Yeah," Yuffie said, pointing to her chest. "You're starting to get boobs."

Shelke stared down at her now protruding chest. "Yes," she said. "The glands in my chest have begun to develop. But I have recently begun seeing an increase in hair folicles on my legs, under my arms and in the area surrounding my vagina."

Yuffie laughed and patted the girl on the shoulder. "Oh, so that's what this is about," she said. "You're starting to get the hair down there, huh?"

"Correct," Shelke answered. "I assume that this is a normal occurrence then."

"Perfectly normal," Yuffie said flopping back against Shelke's pillows. "Just a regular part of puberty. It's called pubic hair. It's annoying and if you shave it, it itches like a bitch. That's why I get mine waxed."

Shelke stared at her in confusion. "Waxed?" she inquired. "I am unfamiliar with this practice. What is waxed?"

"I go to a salon and some person puts hot wax down there and removes my pubes," Yuffie told her. "I can't have nasty crinkly hair showing up under these short ass shorts I wear, now can I?"

"I'm unsure," she said. "Is that not appropriate?"

"It's gross!" Yuffie exclaimed. "No one wants to see that!"

"I see," Shelke replied. "Should I consider getting waxed?"

Yuffie shrugged. "It's up to you," she said. "I mean, if you ever wanna wear a bathing suit or short shorts, then yeah. Plus, guys like it better when they go down on you if they don't get a mouthful of fuzz, ya know?"

Shelke blinked. "Go down on you?" she asked.

Yuffie stared at her. "You don't know about sex do you?" she asked.

"I am aware of the physical act known as sexual intercourse which is necessary for the procreation of the species, yes," she answered. "Nothing in my neurological network has a reference to the term 'going down on you' though."

"Oy!" Yuffie said, using yet another Renoism. "Okay, that's when a guy performs oral sex on you."

Shelke thought for a moment then nodded as the data registered. "I understand now."

"Good," Yuffie said in relief, not really comfortable explaining something like that to the girl. "You know, you'll probably be getting a period soon, too."

"At the rate that my body is maturing, I would not be surprised to see the emergeance of a menstral cycle soon," she said. "Thank you, Yuffie Kisaragi, for your assistance."

"No problem," Yuffie said, jumping to her feet. "Hey, if you have any other questions, just ask, okay?"

Shelke nodded. "Thank you," she said. "And for now, I believe that I will leave the pubic hair alone. I do not have that much as of yet, so it is not bothersome."

"Okay," Yuffie replied with a grin. "But if you change your mind about the waxing, I'll give you the number to a great one here in Edge! See ya!"

Shelke watched as the ninja exited her chambers. Puberty was a very interesting experience.

* * *

_**A/N: Ha ha! Shelke is going through puberty!!! Good times, good times. By the way...I DETEST Shelke. I really don't know why, but I do. So she's going to be going through some pretty messed up shit. REVIEW!!!**_


	14. Burning Distraction

_**A/N: Sometimes I worry about myself. Anyway, now that I am officially evil, I have decided to do something...evil. I'm going to attack Reeve Tuesti! This is actually one thought up by my wonderful, sexy, yummy husband, so...behold, HEMORRHOIDS.**_

_**Dislcaimer: I don't own FF-VII or any trademarks on any ass creams.**_

* * *

"Since the W.R.O. is taking control over the majority of ShinRa's business dealings, the general public with become more apt to the idea that ShinRa has changed," Rufus explained as he clicked to another slide, this one showing the general profit margin from before Meteor in contrast to the events following the catastrophe, the events following the emergence of the Sephiroth clones, up to the present. "As you can see, after Meteor Fall, our profits have taken a drastic plunge. Of course, that is strickly related to the number of deaths caused by the destruction, as well as the partial annihilation of Midgar. With the W.R.O.'s reconstruction efforts and the recent population increase to the city of Edge, profit again began to spike. If you will note, the..." 

Reeve struggled around in his seat, trying to find a comfortable position in which to sit. It wasn't working. The excruciating burning and itching that plagued his anus was having an adverse affect on his concentration efforts as he tried to listen to Rufus' presentation. Tseng was also present, along with several members of ShinRa's executives. Reno and Rude were standing guard at the door, the red head trying not to fall asleep as the numbers kept pouring out of Rufus' mouth.

The intense pain Reeve was experiencing caused sweat to form on his brow. _Oh, this itching and burning is too much_, he thought, squirmming in his seat again.

"With the assistance of the former terrorist group AVALANCHE, ShinRa was able to rid to Planet of the Sephiroth clone's just a year and a half ago," Rufus continued, flipping to another slide. "Geostigma was cured and hope renewed. And people started to spend more gil. Good for us. Then, with the financial backing of ShinRa, the W.R.O. was successful in the removal of the Tsviets and DeepGround. ShinRa was instrumental in this in that we..."

_I should have used Preparation H_, Reeve thought miserably, slouching down in his chair so that his ass wouldn't have to touch the instrument of torture more than necessary. It offered very little relief. _Or a fire extinguisher_.

"Thank you gentleman for your time," Rufus said with a formal smile. Reeve stood to his feet in relief, eager to get some relief for his ass. "Mr. Tuesti."

Reeve groaned inwardly and turned to the young President. "Yes, Rufus," he said pleasantly.

Rufus smiled warmly. "You didn't hear a word I was saying, did you?" he inquired.

Reeve paled slightly. "Of course I did," he said, desperately trying to recall anything said in the past hour. "Profits are increasing and you are thankful for the W.R.O.'s assistance and wish to remain a silent financial backer of our efforts."

Rufus snorted and Tseng chuckled slightly. "Go to the Medical Facility and have them give you a solvent," the president said. "Ask for...Reno? What was the same of the product you use for hemmorhoids?"

"The wicked ass cream?" he asked, scratching the back of his neck. "Right! Assterrhoids! That shit works like wicked fast, Reeve man. You should be able to insert the stick back up your ass in no time!"

Reeve spared a glance at the red head. "Thank you," he said, nodding curtly. "Good day."

* * *

Reeve was sitting...yes, sitting at his desk, going over the report from the presentation earlier. He narrowed his eyes as he read the document. "ShinRa didn't do that!" he exclaimed. "I did! Gods, I was more distracted than I realized. I will never let such a problem affect my judgment again." 

Cait Sith bounded up onto his desk, grinning that mechanical cat grin of his. "Hemmorhoids are a real pain in the ass!"

* * *

_**A/N: Not my best...Reeve is hard to write. To make up for it, I will try to get another betterer chapter up today. Poor Reeve. He just has no personality.**_


	15. Dreams

_**A/N: This is a request from the lovely and wickedly talented dantesdarkqueen. She gave me a serious list of requests which I have jotted down in my Magical Book of Hilarity. So here we go with DROOLING IN ONE'S SLEEP.**_

_**Disclaimer: Still not mine. Sorry, can't make a version of FF-VII with super killer graphics with all the males nude yet. CURSES! What WOULD a pixelated penis look like anyway? Probably blown way out of proportion. Blown..heh heh.**_

* * *

The door was pushed opened and slammed closed just as quickly as the two Turks rushed in. Tseng slammed Elena's back against the wall as his tongue assaulted her mouth, his hands tearing at her clothes as he removed them. Elena's hands were equally busy, throwing his jacket to the ground, her hands making swift work of his belt and pants. In no time, the clothes were no longer and obstacle. Naked flesh collided with naked flesh, hands roaming over each curve, over each hardened muscle, tongues battling each other in a fierce kiss as they made their way to the bedroom, all the day's tension building up to this.

* * *

Tseng was dreaming.

He was home in Wutai, his body, save for his head and shoulders, completely submerged in a round tub filled with warm, jasmine scented water. A glass of sake in his hand made it's way to his lips, the slight burn of the rice liquor trailing down his throat to his belly. He sighed in contentment, watching as the paper covered doors slid open, revealing a beautiful blond wrapped in a silk kimono coming into his bathing chamber.

She stood before him, bowing slightly before dropping to her knees. "I have come to bathe you, Master," she said sweetly, her brown eyes lifting shyly to gaze at him for a moment.

Tseng smiled and nodded his head, watching as she rose to her feet again, removing the complicated garment from her slender body. His eyes drank in her beauty as she stepped carefully into the tub with him. She sat beside him, lifting a sponge to his skin, beginning languid movements over his shoulders. Tseng turned his back to her, allowing her access to the skin there. Once completed with that task, she moved to his chest. Grasping her by the hips, he settled her down in his lap, straddling him. He smirked at her blush.

"You can do wonders in this position," he said, leaning forward to nip at her neck. "Elena."

The blond giggled as she ran the sponge over the muscles of his chest, moving lower and lower with each circular stroke. "You have no idea," she said shifting her hips forward a bit, rocking against his pelvis. She leaned forward, pressing her breasts against his chest. "You dream of me, Tseng?"

He nodded, running his fingers down her back, tracing circles in the water against her skin. "More often than I realize," he replied, placing a lingering kiss to her shoulder. She shivered at the contact, causing the smirk to return to his lips.

"Good," she said arching against him and exposing her neck. He attacked it instantly, his tongue dragging a trail up to her ear. She gasped out his name. "Tseng."

His mouth covered hers, his tongue now assaulting hers. He felt himself hard against her body and groaned in relief as she lifted her hips to take him in...

He awoke with a start.

"Damn it," he grumbled, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "Why do I always wake up before the good part?"

Tseng turned his head to stare at the blond wrapped around him, smiling as he planted a kiss to the soft locks. The air conditioner kicked on overhead and a gust of cold air blew against him, instantly chilling him as it made contact with the liquid on his bare chest. Tseng looked down and chuckled as he saw the stream of drool escaping from his lover's mouth and trailing down his chest to his stomach. He wiped it off with the comforter, knowing it would just return within a few hours.

The woman of his dreams drooled. But it was him she drooled on, so he didn't really mind...too much.

* * *

_**A/N: Tseng and his dreams are a little thing of mine. (See ShinRa Migraine). This is fast becoming one of my favorite pairings to write about. I WANTED to make this a full blown lemon, but alas, I lack the set number of reviews for that. For those who forgot...100 reviews earns you another lemon. So click the happy Submit Review button and get us closer to more SMUT!**_

**_Reno: YAY!_**

**_Me: I love you, Re!_**

**_Reno: I know! I love you, too!_**

**_Me/Reno: (huggles)_**


	16. BOOM!

_**A/N: So this next chapter was requested by two people, dantesdarkqueen and Bjanik. All I can say, is y'all are NASTY! Ew, gross, this is really...not that bad. But I'll make it that way! Enjoy!**_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot._**

* * *

Vincent stalked down the halls of the W.R.O. Headquarters, eager to get to his room. Something was in his boots that was causing a disturbing and annoying itch in between his toes. And if Yuffie had put itching powder in his socks again, he was going to kill his ninja ally. 

He swiped his key card in the slot and entered his room moving to sit on the edge of his bed. Removing the metal contraptions, he then pulled the black socks from his feet, examining the toes. Large patches of red bumps covered the skin on the top of his feet and in between his toes, moving down the to bottom of his feet and resting at the base of the digits.

Athlete's foot.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Yo Vince!" a cheerful voice sounded on the other side of his door. "You in there?"

Vincent hit his remote access button and allowed her entrance to his room. The ninja bounded in and plopped down on the floor at his feet. "Hey!" she said with a smile. "What's..." she scruntched her nose up and looked down at his boots. "Is that smell your boots? Oh, nasty Vinnie!"

Vincent growled at her. "I have more pressing matters to tend to other than the smell of my boots," he said, thrusting his foot into her face. "I have Athlete's foot and it itches."

Yuffie scrambled away from him. "Grossness!" she shrieked jumping to her feet. "Though it doesn't surprise me! How long have you had those gross metal shoes?"

"Over thirty years."

"Oh Vince," she said shaking her head. "You need some new shoes, Dude."

"No, they are perfectly fine," he said, scratching his feet.

"Stop that," she said, kicking him gently with the toe of her shoe. "That'll make it worse. Okay, I'll help you out since I am after all the Great Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi, the Single White Rose of Wutai, the Light that..."

"Yuffie..."

"Right," she said, grinning at him. "Go take a shower and wash your feet really good. You got a blow dryer?"

Vincent nodded.

"Good," she said. "After you get out, blow dry your feet." Vincent raised an eyebrow at her. "Seriously, it works, okay? I'm gonna go get some stuff from the Medical Ward and I'll be right back, okay? Give me your key card so I can get back in."

He glared at her through narrowed eyes.

"Vince," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not gonna try to see you naked. I've already done that." She grinned at his smirk. "Besides, we're friends."

Vincent handed the key card to her. "You better know what you are doing."

She saluted and turned to go. "Trust me."

_Hmph_, he thought as he stripped off his clothes. _Famous last words_.

* * *

Vincent was now sitting on the edge of his bed, wearing just a pair of athletic pants. His wet hair was plastered against his bare back and his feet were soaking in a warm mixture of water and Epson Salt. 

Yuffie was sitting on the floor, spraying a combination of Febreeze and Odor Eaters Foot Spray into Vincent's metal footwear. She then took a pair of Dr Scholls gel inserts and cut them to the appropriate size before inserting them into the boots.

"Vinnie, it's a wonder you even have feet," she said shaking her head. "How can you stand walking in these things?"

Vincent lifted his feet up out of the water. "Callouses," he explained. "I'm used to it by now."

"Well, the inserts will give you better arch support and not be so painful on your heels, okay?" she said. He nodded. "And after you take the boots off at night, spray some of the foot spray in them to keep the odor away. Also, spray it on your bare feet before you put your socks on. Blow dry your feet after every shower and if the Athlete's foot flares up again, use this. BOOM! Tough Actin' Tenactin!"

Vincent reached for the can and examined it. "How do you know so much about Athlete's foot?" he asked, looking down at the young woman.

She shrugged and grinned. "I'm a ninja, Vinnie," she said. "One of the greatest athlete's in the world. I get Athlete's foot from time to time too. The shit between your toes is the worst!"

"No kidding," he said, taking his feet out of the water and drying them off with a towel. He sprayed the Tenactin on his feet, relieved that the soak and the medicated spray had alleviated the itching. "Thank you, Yuffie."

She bent down and kissed his cheek. "No problem," she said cheerfully. "Just remember, you owe me one. Next time I get cramps, you're rubbing my back."

He smiled. "Deal."

* * *

_**A/N: The metal boots just struck me as Vincent being a prime victim for this! Review! I love it! (blows kisses)**_


	17. DA DA DA DA  snap snap

_**A/N: HOLY ORIGINAL IDEA, BATMAN! AmazonTurk CAN come up with stuff on her own! Though I still have a shitload of requests. I shall get to them...anon. And verily. And all that Shakespearean crap. BEHOLD...the CLOGGED DRAIN!**_

**_Disclaimer: (laughing hysterically) You think I own it? Riight, and primates control the White House. Oh...wait...uh, right. Not mine._**

* * *

Cloud rolled over in his bed, reaching for Tifa. All he found was her pillow, which smelled like her shampoo. Pouting slightly he climbed out of bed, stretching his back and popping it back into place. Walking across the room, he poked his head out the door and heard Tifa downstairs, cooking breakfast and laughing with the kids. He grinned as he closed the door and stepped into his bathroom to take a shower. 

Steam filled the small room in a matter of minutes as the hot water pounded against Cloud's muscles. He turned around to let the water splash his face, noticing that the bottom of the tub was quickly filling up. He jiggled the stopper, making sure it wasn't stuck. He turned the water off and bent down, inspecting the drain. Reaching down, he grasped a handful of long, dark, brown...hair.

"TIFA!"

He continued pulling the soap scum covered drain monster out, the water slowly beginning to empty out of the tub. He cursed to himself and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his hips one handed. He opened the bathroom door and stomped out into his room.

"TIFA!"

He stomped down the hall and down the stairs, still wearing just a towel and holding the dripping mess out at arms length. Entering the kitchen he glared at his girlfriend.

"Hey Cloud," she said with a smile, turning toward him. "How would you like your oh my god what the hell is that?!"

Cloud blew his soggy hair out of his face. "That's what I want to know," he snarled. "This..." he thrust the dripping yuck at her. "...was clogging my drain."

She raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest. "And you're telling me this because...?"

"Who in this house has long, dark brown hair and shares a shower with me?" he asked.

Denzel raised his hand, knowing the answer to this question. Marlene grabbed his arm and pulled it down. "Denzel, no," she whispered.

Tifa raised her chin. "I do," she answered.

Cloud smirked triumphantly. "How in the Planet are you not _bald_?" he asked.

She snorted. "I'm sure that there are some blond hairs in that mess somewhere," she said, turning back to her cooking.

"Really?" he challenged. "Show me."

"I'm _not_ digging through that."

He smirked at her again.

"Are you done?" she asked in exasperation.

"Don't let it happen again," he said, turning to go back upstairs. "I hate taking a shower standing in four inches of water."

"Oh, go fuck yourself," she mumbled.

Marlene gasped and Denzel giggled.

Cloud turned back around to face the martial artist. "What did you say?" he hissed.

Tifa turned to him, hand on her hip. "Did I stutter?" she asked. "Maybe you need to pull the shit that's clogging your ears because I SAID, 'go FUCK yourself'."

"Uh, we're gonna go outside and play until breakfast is ready," Marlene said, dragging Denzel with her.

"Ah, but I wanna watch Tifa kick Cloud's ass," Denzel pouted.

"Denzel!" Tifa and Cloud both reprimanded.

"Eep!" Denzel squealed before hurrying after Marlene.

"You talk around the kids this way?" he asked with a glare.

"Oh, they hear worse from Barrett and Cid," she told him. "Go finish your shower."

"Just don't let the drain get like that again, okay?" he said again, once more turning to go. He felt something hit the back of his neck and ooze down his shoulder blades, landing with a splat on the floor. He glanced down and saw and egg shell and yolk sitting between his feet. "Tifa Lockheart."

"Cloud Strife," she mocked, chucking another egg at him. "Go finish your shower and _then_ go fuck yourself."

"What is with you?" he asked.

"Oh let's examine that, shall we?" she asked sweetly. "I cook and I clean and I try to make this place a good home for our family. I'm trying to make a nice breakfast for the kids and for you, when my _boyfriend_ comes down the stairs carrying Cousin It's corpse and yelling at me! THAT is what is WITH me!" She flung another egg at him. "So, go FUCK yourself!"

Cloud had it. He turned and flung the clog at her, hitting her squarely between the eyes. Tifa's mouth was opened in surprise and the clog dripped the water into her mouth. She screamed and flung the clog back at him along with the remainder of the eggs, pancake mix, orange juice, oatmeal, sizzling bacon and sausage and then the maple syrup. She fell to the floor and buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

Cloud wiped the mess from his face and looked at her. "You're getting ready to start...aren't you?" he asked, dodging the frying pan as she flung it at him.

"Yes!" she wailed, crying harder.

He nodded, turning to the screen door when the kids walked back in.

"Uh..."

"Cloud," Marlene asked. "What's going on?"

Cloud smiled at the two kids and went to help Tifa to her feet. "I'm taking us out to breakfast," he said, kissing Tifa on her forehead, remembering too late that was where the clog had hit her.

"YAY!"

"After I finish my shower."

* * *

_**A/N: Okay, so I threw some PMS, too, as a bonus. MWAH HA HA HA!!! Hell hath no fury like a PMSing martial artist with a clog on her head!**_


	18. On a Chocobo With No Name

**_A/N: So, I was reviewing my Magical Book of Hilarity (MBH) and I noticed something. A lot of the requests deal with Cloud and Tifa as a couple or involve Reno in some way, shape or form. Interesting. There is also a lot a Vincent. Y'all are freaks. No wonder we get along so well! So, I found one that is just a perfect little step away from the norm, involving my boy Rude. Yes, yes, I'm a Reno fan, but there is just something about Rude that I just want to lick. I think it's because at one point during AC, he looked so much like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, that I just about died. So, yes...I'm in love with Rude. Which is why I must now apologize to him._**

**_Rude: ...why?_**

**_Me: I'm about to do something very mean to you._**

**_Rude: ...involiving a whip?_**

**_Me: No._**

**_Rude: ...chains?_**

**_Me: No._**

**_Rude: Handcuffs?_**

**_Me: 'Fraid not. But it is...painful._**

**_Rude: ...good pain?_**

**_Me: Bad pain._**

**_Rude: ...make it up to me later?_**

**_Me: You betcha._**

**_Rude: I forgive you._**

**_So, this is fron Serenitychan13, you sadistic nutso, you! Love ya, Girl!_**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot and this long ass authoress' note._**

* * *

Rude looked at Dio through his sunglasses. "You're kidding...right?" he asked. 

Dio shook his head. "Sorry, Man," he said. "Gold Saucer policy. Your red headed friend skipped out on his beer tab, so you got to pay it."

"I only got enough for my own tab," Rude told him. "I don't carry enough gil to cover his ass."

"Then its off to the Desert Prison," Dio said with a smirk, his hand hovering over the switch. "Sorry."

Rude clutched his hands in front of him, waiting for the floor to drop. "No...but you will be," he said right before he took the plunge.

* * *

"Only way out is to race chocobos and win," the prison guard told him. "No one would last out in the desert anyway. They just end as sandworm feed." 

Rude tossed his jacket aside and loosened his tie, undoing his top button of his shirt. He cracked his knuckles. "I'll take a chocobo," he said.

"You gonna race then?"

Rude reached out and snapped the guard's neck. "Didn't say nothing about racing," he told the dead man. "I'm just gonna take a chocobo."

He went into the stables and surveyed the selection. "Ain't no way in hell I'm riding a pink chocobo," he muttered. "Yellow's too slow, green wouldn't last in the desert...hmmm, black. You'll do."

Glancing down at the chocobo's stall door, he noticed it didn't have a name plate like the others. "Doesn't matter," he said. "You'll get me to where I need to be."

Saddling the bird up, he guided it out of the stables and mounted it. The chocobo warked and lept over the barbed wire fencing and heading out into the desert. The sand was hot and the air was dry, but the bird just kept going like nothing phased it.

For about an hour.

Soon, it's feathers were sagging and it's head was drooping, it's stamina drained. Rude was no better. His tie had been thrown away long ago and his shirt was shrugged off his shoulders and still tucked into the back of his pants, where it lay against the black tail feathers of the chocobo.

It was hot.

Tumble weeds passed in front of them.

And Rude's bald head was covered in blisters from the harsh desert sun.

Reno was a dead man.

Wagon wheels caught his attention and he glanced up, thinking he was seeing a mirage. The chocobo pulling the wagon stopped and the driver glanced over at him.

"You got a death wish, Son?" he asked with a surly smile.

"For someone else," Rude said, humoring the mirage.

The driver snickered, tossing him a canteen of water. "Tie your bird to the back of the wagon. I'll take you out to the green plains, all right?"

Rude looked over at the man, blood dripping into his eyes from the blisters oozing off the top of his head. "Sure...why not?" he said, hopping off the chocobo and tieing it to the wagon. He hopped inside the cart and took a drink of the water, surprised to find he could actually taste and feel it. He found a bowl and poured some water into, putting it under the black bird's face. "Yo, No Name...drink up."

The bird complied happily.

Within minutes, they were out of the desert and in the cool grass surrounding the Gold Saucer area. The wagon disappeared into the desert so quickly, that Rude wondered if it had been there at all.

He lead the chocobo to the river that divided the continent and they drank their fill, Rude dunking his head into the cool water, wincing as he felt the sores on his head tighten up in protest. "Damn," he grumbled, sitting in the grass. The chocobo looked over at him and kwehed. Rude looked up at the bird. "Well, No Name, time to start walking."

* * *

"Dude! How was I supposed to know that Dio would throw your ass in jail?!" Reno protested as Rude backed in into a corner. "I thought it would be funny to stiff the naked dude." 

"I have third degree burns on my scalp, Reno," Rude snarled pointing to the gauze that covered his head. "I've been riding through the desert on a chocobo with no name..."

"It felt good to be out of the rain of Wutai though...right?" Reno offered.

That was the last thing Reno remembered before coming to in a bed of soft hay. "What the...AAAHHHH!!!!" he screamed, scrambling back against the stall, staring fearfully at the black monster of death.

Rude looked over the door and into the stall, reaching a hand to pet the chocobo. "Good...you've met No Name," he said. "You'll be cleaning his stall for the rest of your life. And you better take care of him...or I'll kill you."

Reno swallowed hard as No Name bent down to sniff him. When the chocobo warked, Reno wet himself.

* * *

**_A/N: (snicker, snicker) I don't know who to feel more sorry for...Reno or No Name. REVIEW!!!_**


	19. The  Dead Chick Strikes Again

_**A/N: Another request by dantesdarkqueen (what an active imagination she has!). I give you...SLEEPWALKING!**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot.**_

* * *

Yuffie snuggled in closer against Reno's chest, sighing contentedly. He was staying over at her room in the W.R.O. headquarters since Reeve had a meeting with the Rufus and the Turks early in the morning. Knowing how her boyfriend liked his sleep, she happily agreed to let him spend the night with her. Of course, they had just now settled into sleeping. She giggled softly as his fingers trailed lazily over her side. She could almost feel him smile. 

"Hey Yuffs?" he said softly.

"Yeah, Baby?" she answered, kissing his chest.

"You know I love you, right?" he asked.

Yuffie raised her head and looked up at him, smiling beautifully. "Yeah," she whispered. "I know. You know I love you, too, right?"

He grinned at her and nodded. "Yeah, I know," he said, tilting his head to kiss her lips. "Night, Babe."

"Night, Re," she said, laying her head back on his chest.

Yuffie had barely begun to drift to unconsciousness when she was awoke by a large crashing sound. She and Reno both bolted out of bed, he grabbing his EMR and she grabbing her Conformer. She tossed him his boxers as she pulled on her panties and his white dress shirt, buttoning the middle four buttons.

"Think we're under attack?" Reno asked, grinning as he found his pistol and checked the clip.

"Don't know," she murmured. Reno followed her as she made her way to the door. She hit the button to slid it opened and they both peered out the door, looking in opposite directions. "Clear my way."

"This way, too," Reno replied softly.

Their tense bodies relaxed only to stiffen again as another crash sounded. "Coming my way," Yuffie said as she started off down the hall, Reno at her heals. They followed the sounds to the mess hall, walking in to find the pots and pans scattered across the floor, Vincent standing in the middle of the kitchen with a far away look on his face.

"Valentine?" Reno asked, looking over at his girlfriend.

Yuffie approached the man, clad in the same attire as Reno, in only a pair of silk boxers. "Vinnie?" she asked, timidly. Vincent didn't move, just simply continued to stare at the racks of the kitchen. "Vinnie, you okay?"

Vincent's human hand came out and grabbed her arm, his head turning slowly toward her. "Lucrecia," he murmured, pulling her to him.

Reno came up to them slowly, not making any sudden moves. "Yuffs, I think he's sleep walking," he told her.

Vincent's red gaze snapped to him, his clawed hand grabbing Reno around the throat. "Hojo," he snarled, the claws tightening around the red-head's throat. "You ruined my life. You took the woman I love. You killed her! You made me a monster!"

Blood began to trickle down Reno's neck as the talons pierced his skin. "Vince," he gasped. "Vince! It's me! It's Reno!"

Yuffie slapped Vincent's face, trying to get him to wake up. "Vinnie!" she screamed at him. "Vinnie! Wake up! You're having a nightmare!"

Vincent tossed Reno to the ground, both arms moving to embrace Yuffie. "Lucrecia," he murmured into her hair. "We can finally be together now."

Yuffie felt tears stinging her eyes. She wrapped her arms around her friend's waist. "Vinnie," she said softly. "Lucrecia is gone. She's not coming back. Wake up, please. You're scaring me, Vinnie."

That seemed to break Vincent's trance. His eyes closed and he slumped forward, collapsing onto Yuffie, sound asleep. Yuffie fell to the floor under his weight, gently rolling him off of her to lay against the cold tile. "Reno," she said. "Go to his room and get a blanket. We need to cover him up. People may be in the halls and I know he won't want them to see him like this."

Reno grinned. "What about me?" he teased. "I'm just as exposed and I'm your boyfriend."

Yuffie giggled. "I think everyone here has seen you buck assed naked," she said. "Now go."

Reno laughed and turned to go, rubbing his bleeding neck. Yuffie looked down at Vincent and stroked his cheek. The ruby eyes opened and stared up at her. "Yuffie?" he asked, confusion lacing his voice. He looked around the kitchen. "Why are we here?"

"You were sleep walking," she said, brushing the hair out of his eyes. "You were dreaming about Lucrecia."

"How do you know?"

"You thought I was her and you thought Reno was Hojo," she explained, wincing at the look of pain on his face. "It's okay. It was just a dream. It wasn't you."

"Did I...do anything to you?" he asked quietly. "Or Reno?"

She shook her head. "Nothing bad," she said. "We're fine. You came out of it before you could get too rowdy. You haven't done this in a while, Vinnie. What's going on?"

"She's been dead 34 years today," he replied sorrowfully. Yuffie ran her fingers soothingly over his face, patting his cheek affectionately.

Reno came back with the blanket and Vincent paled at the pierced skin around his throat. "Reno, I'm sorry," Vincent said sincerely.

Reno just laughed it off. "It's okay, Man," he said. "Rude sleepwalks, too. He's punched me a couple times. Except, he was actually dreaming about punching me. At least I was role playing someone else this time."

Yuffie gave him an appreciative smile. "Come on, Vinnie," she said, pulling him to his feet and wrapping the blanket around him. "Let's get you back to bed."

Vincent nodded as they lead him back to his room. He opened his door and looked back at them. "Thank you," he said. "And I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Vince," Reno said, draping his arm around Yuffie. "Happens to the best of us."

"You gonna be okay, Vinnie?" Yuffie asked, staring at him with concern.

Vincent nodded and gave them a small smile. "I will be," he said. "Good night."

"Night, Vince."

"Night, Vinnie."

They walked back to her room in silence. Once inside, Reno pulled her to him and kissed her forehead. "You're worried about him?" he asked. She nodded in reply. "Me too."

"I wonder if he's ever going to get over this," she mused, releasing herself from his grasp and rummaging through her materia collection until she produced a mastered Cure. She held it out and cast the spell, healing Reno's cuts.

He rubbed his neck. "Thanks, Babe," he said with a grin. "As for Vince, I don't know, you know? What triggered this?"

"It's the anniversary of her death," she answered.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Poor guy," he said, flopping back down on her bed and pulling her down with him. "Not that I blame him though. If something like that would happen to me and you, I'd go totally nutso."

She giggled, snuggling against his chest again. "Really?" she teased. "I think you'd go out, get drunk and end up picking up someone else to help 'ease the pain'."

Reno looked down at her, hurt in his eyes. "You really think that?" he asked.

Yuffie smiled up at him. "No," she said. "I think you'd go totally nutso and I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

He grinned. "You're weird," he said kissing her.

"I know," she replied. "And you love me, so what does that say about you?"

"I'm already totally nutso."

* * *

_**A/N: Poor Vinnie. (sobs)**_

_**Me (huggles Vinnie): I'm here for you!**_

_**Vincent: Don't touch me.**_

_**Me: You need love!**_

_**Vincent: I need a beer.**_

_**Tifa (fixing beer): Here ya go, Vincent.**_

_**Vincent: Thank you. (drinks beer) All better.**_

_**Me: You don't need a hug? (crying)**_

_**Vincent (sighing): Fine. (opens arms)**_

_**Me: SQUEE!! (huggles Vinnie) I love you.**_

_**Vincent: I love you, too.**_

_**Review please!!!!**_


	20. Performance Anxiety

_**A/N: Okay, you all get graced with this one because it JUST happened to me at work. Like, not 10 minutes ago. Yeah, I'm at work, writing on this story. You know why? Because my work is AWESOME and they gave me permission to play online if I get bored. MWAH HA! Evil villains always get the primo jobs.**_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot._**

* * *

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" 

Elena looked up from her desk as Reno came dashing into her office, peering out into the hallway warily. "Reno, get the fuck out of my office!" she shrieked.

He turned toward her, face red from his sprint. "Ssh!" he said, closing her door a little bit. "Laney, be quiet! They might find me!"

"Who?"

"HR," he whispered. "Random drug screens today. You know, piss in a cup and all that shit."

"Yes, and?" she said. "You don't do drugs, Reno."

"Yeah, but I drink and I drank a lot last night," he said, looking for a good place to hide. "Rufus said if my levels were up that high again I'd get the night shift training the rookies."

"You like the rookies," Elena countered.

"The GUY rookies," he snarled.

"Oh," she said. She raised her voice and went back to her paperwork. "Oh, Reno, I don't know what you're worried about..."

"Laney," he hissed. "Shut it!"

"...all the guys seem to get along with you anyway..."

Reno heard high heels coming down the hall and he searched frantically for a place to stash himself. He looked up. Ah ha!

"...I'm sure they'd be happy to train with you..."

Reno opened the air conditioning vent and scrambled up inside closing it and scooting back out of sight just as Elena's door burst open.

"Good afternoon, Elena," Margie, head of Human Resources said pleasantly. "Would you come with me please?"

Elena scrunched up her nose and looked around her office, trying to find the red-head. She heard an familiar snicker coming from her air conditioning vent. "Reno," she mumbled under her breath.

"Elena," Margie said, tapping her foot. "Let's go.".

* * *

Elena sat on the toliet, plastic cup situated between her legs. She could hear Margie tapping her foot on the title of the floor in the bathroom. Nothing. Not one little trickle. 

And Elena really, REALLY had to pee.

"Uh, Margie?" she asked.

"Yes, Elena?"

"Could you...turn on the water or something?" she asked. "It's too quiet."

Sighing, Margie reached over and turned the faucet on. Elena relaxed a little bit, willing the flow of urine to begin. _Streams, waterfalls, Big Gulps_, she thought to herself, closing her eyes, visualizing herself peeing into the cup.

"Any time now, Elena," Margie called.

Damn! She almost had it!

"Uh, okay," she said, visualizing again. _Melting snow, 100 water bottles I have to drink, rain..._

"Do you need to go get something to drink?"

_No, I need you to shut the fuck up so I can piss already!_ Elena snapped in her head.

"Yeah, that might help."

Elena situated herself and flushed, though there was really no need in it. Blushing, she handed Margie back the unused cup. "Call me when you get the urge," Margie said.

Elena smiled then bared her teeth as the woman left. "'Call me when you get the urge'," she mocked. "Stupid bitch!"

"Having trouble pissing?" came a voice above her.

"Reno, get out of the vents!"

* * *

Forty-five minutes, three cups of coffee and four bottles of water later, Elena and Margie were back in the bathroom. The water was on again and Elena just sat there. 

_Oh my gods, if I don't piss soon, I'm going to burst!_ she thought.

"Elena..."

"Oh shut UP, Margie!" Elena finally snapped. "I am trying my hardest to piss in this stupid cup of yours, but you know what? I can't piss on command! I'm not a show chocobo who follows orders and can hike a leg up and just let it go!"

Elena took a deep breath and finally, finally felt herself start to pee. "Oh yes!" she said as she filled the cup and then some. She placed the cap back on, stuck the activation peg inside and peed. Once her bladder was empty, she wiped, flushed and pulled her clothes back into order.

Triumphantly, she presented her prize to Margie and washed her hands. "One moment and we'll have the results," Margie said, examining the cup. The little lines showed up on the outside and Margie nodded her head. "Perfect. Thank you, Elena."

"No prob," she said. "And, uh, sorry about, you know, snapping at you before."

"That's fine," she said with a smile. "Can you help me find one of your coworkers?"

Elena grinned. "Reno's in the air conditioning vents," she said.

A loud clanging could be heard overhead. "Son of a bitch!" Reno's voice came. "Laney!"

"Reno," Margie called. "Would you be so kind as to meet me in the men's restroom?"

A sigh. "Yeah, I'll be right there."

* * *

**_A/N: Okay, so there was no one in the vents, but I did have Pissing Performance Anxiety, like, so bad! I couldn't pee! It was awful. Okay...review please!_**


	21. Balloon Animals

_**A/N: Since SOMEONE (cough) dantesdarkqueen (cough) is threatening me bodily harm if I don't update this, here you go. Another one of my husband's ideas. He's perverted. But, at least all the Reno fangirls get to gush at the red head, since he is in this chapter.**_

_**Reno: All RIGHT!!!**_

_**Me: Re-Re, you are in a lot of chapters.**_

_**Rufus: He gets more face time than me.**_

_**Me: I don't think you would be caught dead in this chapter.**_

_**Rufus: Why?**_

_**Me (whispering to Rufus)**_

_**Rufus (smirking): Carry on, then.**_

_**Reno: Uh...guys?**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot.**_

_**Reno: GUYS?!**_

_**Me: Shut up! It's story time!**_

* * *

"Hey Reno." 

"Sup Teef?" the redhead asked sitting down at the bar. "Just a beer, please. Yuffs been by today?"

"No," Tifa answered, filling a glass full of the alcohol. "She called earlier and said Reeve had her doing some paperwork about one of her recent assignments."

Reno laughed as he took a drink. "I don't envy her," he said shaking his head. "Tuesti was always a bitch with the paperwork. More so than Tseng. Glad he's got his own gig now and leaves ShinRa alone with that shit."

Tifa grinned and wiped down the bar. "He is a bit anal, isn't he?" she asked.

Reno nodded and slid some gil over to her to pay for the beer. "That he is, Doll," he said. "That he is."

Tifa pushed the gil back to him and shook her head. She smiled and patted his cheek at his confused expression. "Family doesn't pay, Reno," she said with a wink.

He smirked. "You DO know how much I drink, right Teef?" he asked with a wink of his own.

"You DO know how hard I hit, right Reno?" she countered.

"Ah, touche," he said.

"Hey Tifa!" Cloud called from the garage.

Tifa stuck her head out the side door. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Can you help me for a sec?"

"Be right there," she called back. She turned to Reno. "You're the only one here, so can you yell at me if someone comes in?"

"Sure thing," he answered with a nod as she went out to help Cloud. Reno waited until she was gone, then reached back into his pocket and took out the money for the beer, slipping it in her tip jar. He grinned. Being nice every now and then was a pretty bitchin' feeling. Especially being nice to your...'family'.

"Hey Uncle Reno!"

Reno about jumped out of his skin when he heard the young voice. He turned around and stared down at the two kids. "Hey Kids," he said with a grin. "What's up?"

Denzel held out a small, square object to him. "This fell out of your pocket," he said as Reno took it and paled. "What is it?"

"Uh...it's...uh..."

"Cloud has some up in his bathroom," Marlene said. "I found them when I was helping Tifa with laundry and was putting some towels up. I was wondering what it was, too."

Reno let out a long sigh, trying to buy himself time. "Okay," he said, ripping the package open and showing them the contents. He wasn't going to lie to them. "This is a co..."

"Hey, a balloon!" Denzel exclaimed excitedly. "It's one of the kinds you can turn into animals and stuff, isn't it?"

He wasn't going to _lie_ to them, but if they _guessed_ wrong, he wasn't going to correct them either. "Yeeeaaahh, a balloon," he said, lifting the condom to his lips and blowing it up and tying the ends off. "Knock yourselves out, Kids."

Denzel took it and began trying to twist it into an animal. "It's all slimy," he said, wiping his hands on his pants.

"Yeah, that keeps the balloon from...drying out," Reno said, downing the rest of his beer. "Okay, gotta go. See ya, Kids!"

Reno hauled ass out of the bar. There was no way he was sticking around when Tifa caught the kids playing with a condom. Besides, he needed some gum _really_ badly. Spermicide tasted like shit!

* * *

"Shh..." Marlene giggled. "They're coming." 

Denzel ducked behind the bar and waited until they heard footsteps.

"What the...?"

"Cloud, are those...!"

"Surprise!" the kids yelled, jumping out from behind the bar.

"We made you balloon animals!" Denzel said proudly.

"Cloud had a whole bunch in his bathroom!" Marlene grinned innocently. "And some of them smell like candy!"

Cloud blushed. "You got these from my bathroom?" he asked.

"Uh huh," Denzel said. His smile faltered a little. "Sorry they're all snakes. We aren't the best at twisting them into shapes."

"They're very...nice," Tifa said sweetly. "Why don't you all take them up to Cloud's room for now, okay? I'll put them someplace special later."

"Okay!"

Tifa watched as the kids carried about fifty 'snakes' up the stairs. "Oh my gods!" she exclaimed. "How did they find our condom stash?"

"Beats the hell outta me!" he replied. "Where did they get the idea to blow them up like balloons?"

Tifa shook her head. "I don't know, but don't tell Barrett that Marlene was playing with condoms with Denzel," she warned. "He'll shit a brick."

"Then beat me with it," Cloud said, swallowing hard.

* * *

**_A/N: Heh heh...go on. Say it. I'm EVIL!!!! Review!_**


	22. Happy Anniverary!

_**A/N: Let's take a little trip. Here, we shall go to Rocket Town to visit a foul-mouthed pilot and his wife. It's their anniversary and he is attempting to make dinner for her. How sweet! Appearances, however, are oft times deceiving. FOOD POISONING, as requested by dantesdarkqueen.**_

**_Disclaimer: I still own nothing but this bitchin' plot._**

* * *

Shera walked into the house and was hit with an aroma. No, not an aroma...more like a smell. No, still not right...this was an odor, a stinch. A rank filling of her home with the foul smell of... 

"Happy Anniversary, Babe!" her husband called to her, lit cigarette hanging from his lips and an apron that read "Kiss Me, Ya Fucker! I'm the Mother Fucking Cook!" tied around him. "I cooked for ya!"

_Oh, sweet Shiva, kill me now_, Shera thought, though she smiled at her husband. "Oh, that's so thoughtful, Cid," she said, trying not to vomit as she walked further into the house. She gave him an appreciative hug and kissed him, once he had taken the cigarette out of his mouth. "You really, REALLY shouldn't have."

Cid shrugged. "I thought it would be nicer to stay in," he said, holding her tightly. "So we can enjoy being together."

If it wasn't for the terrible odor coming from the pots on the table, she would have been touched by the sentiment. She tried to ignore the smell and focus on the kindness of her gruff husband. "That's sweet, honey. Thank you."

Cid patted her backside. "Nothin's too good for my girl," he said, leading her to the table and pulling a chair out for her. "Take a load off and see what a great cook your husband is."

Shera sat down timidly, wondering if her will was up to date since she doubted she would survive this meal. "Everything smells so...interesting," she said with a forced smile. "What is it?"

Cid started serving the food onto her plate. "Highwind Surprise," he said with a grin. "Just a bunch of shit I killed today thrown into a pot with some vegetables from the garden."

Shera lifted her spoon and filled it with a small bite. It looked as bad as it smelled. There was nothing recognizable in the bowl. No meat she had ever seen, no vegetable known to man. "Cid," she said, staring at it. "We don't have a garden."

Cid stuffed a bite into his mouth. "Huh, really?" he asked. He took another bite. "Then whatever that stuff was growing out back. Mushrooms or something. Eat up, Babe! It's pretty damn good!"

_That's because all your taste buds have been killed from your cigarettes_, she thought as she took a deep breath and lifted the bite to her mouth. Placing it inside, she chewed, then swallowed...hard.

* * *

"Babe," Cid said, knocking on the bathroom door. "You okay in there?" 

Shera leaned her head against the wall directly in front of the toliet. "No," she moaned. "I'm really, really sick, Cid."

"...you pregnant?" he asked with a hint of excitement in his voice.

"I wish that was the case, dear, but no, I'm not," she said. "I'm afraid it was the Highwind Surprise."

"But that was GOOD!" he protested.

"I think there was something in it that wasn't quite...good," she said. "I have food poisoning."

Silence. "Why ain't I sick?" he asked.

"Because you like eating disgusting things!" she hissed weakly. "Cid, normal people don't just kill things and yank fungi out of the backyard and call it food! There is such a thing as a grocery store to get food at!"

"But that costs gil," he said. "I wanted to save for a new accessory for my Shera."

Shera sat up and opened the bathroom door, glaring at her husband. "You risked my health for that _airship_?' she shrieked. "Fuck your damn airship, Cid! It was our anniversary! And now, I'm stuck in the bathroom throwing my guts up because you wanted to save for a part for the _airship_?"

Cid cocked his head to the side. "No," he said reaching into his pocket and handing her a velvet box. "I said _my_ Shera, not _the_ Shera. I wanted to get this for you for our anniversary."

Shera took the box timidly and opened it up. Inside was a pair of diamond and sapphire drop earrings that sparkled in the light. "Oh Cid," she whispered. "They're beautiful."

Cid wrapped his arms around her. "Sorry about fuckin' dinner up," he said. "You should have told me it was bad."

"Actually, surprisingly, it didn't taste that bad," she said. "But you can't just kill things and cook them, Cid. Or pull questionable mushrooms out of the back yard."

He nodded and grinned. "Come on," he said, leading her into the living room. "I'll make you some tea. That should make you feel better. Plus, it's one thing I can make and not fuck up."

A few minutes later, a hot cup of tea was in her hands. "Happy Anniversary, Cid," she said, giving him a smile.

"You too, Babe."

* * *

_**A/N: (snort) Poor Shera! Poor Cid! Trying to be nice and getting his ass bit off! Review!**_


	23. Luchador!

_**A/N: Mwah ha ha ha!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot.**_

* * *

"Seriously, Marlene, it's really easy!" Denzel said. "And Tifa said it didn't hurt. I guess it's fake wrestling or something." 

"Okay, what do I do?" she asked excitedly.

"I tackle you and you lay on your back and I body slam you," he explained. "Don't worry, I'll tackle you on the bed so it's softer, okay?"

"Okay!"

Marlene giggled as Denzel ran toward her and tackled her, sending them both tumbling to the bed. He laughed with her as he 'body slammed' her into the mattress. "It's really bouncy!" Denzel said as he continued body slamming her.

"Marlene, Daddy's here to...THE HELL YOU DOIN' TO MA LIL' GIRL?!"

"Daddy!" Marlene shrieked excitedly.

Denzel grinned at the big man. "Hiya, Mister Barret!" he called as he got off of Marlene and helped her sit up. "We were wrestling!"

"Denzel saw Cloud and Tifa wrestling one night and said it looked like fun so I was helping him try it out," Marlene added. "It was bouncy and cool!"

Barret's eyes flashed red. "SPIKEY!" he bellowed, turning down the hall to find Cloud. "SPIKEY!"

Cloud came out of his office. "Barret," he said with a nod. He waved to the kids as Barret grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him against the wall. "Whoa! What's going on?"

"You wanna tell me why Chocobo Jr. was simulating sex with my lil' girl?" he snarled. "Said it was a wrestlin' move he saw you doin' to Teef."

Cloud paled. "Uh...well," he stammered. He looked over at Denzel. "I told you I'd show you that when you were older."

Denzel shrugged. "It looked easy so we decided to try it," he said with a grin.

"It was fun!" Marlene piped up. "What's wrong, Daddy?"

Cloud looked at Barret and whispered under his breath. "Look, the kids are completely innocent in this. Don't make a big deal out of it. They're too young for 'The Talk'."

Barret seemed to calm down and nodded slightly. "Just make sure you lock the door next time, Spikey," he snarled. He dropped the swordsman and turned to his daughter with a smile. "C'mon Marlene. Let's go get some ice cream."

"Okay!" she said. "Can Denzel come, too?"

"Sure, why not?" he said.

"Yay!" she said as she ducked behind her bed, then popped back up, hiding something behind her back. "I made you a present, Daddy."

Barret's fierce features softened as he knelt before his little girl. "What's that, Sweetheart?"

Marlene produced her present with a grin. "It's a balloon snake!"

Cloud paled again. "Oh shit!" he yelled as he sprinted down the stairs.

Barret took the gift and forced a smile at his daughter. Then he sprinted out the room after Cloud. "SPIKEY!"

Denzel looked at Marlene and shrugged. "Grown ups are weird," he said.

"Uh huh," she replied. "Let's go get some ice cream!"

* * *

_**A/N: Go on. Say it. I'm EVIL!!! Sixteen more reviews until the LEMON! C'mon people...you can do it! Hit that button! There's nothing to it!**_

_**Reno: Holy fuck...she rhymes.**_

_**Me: Heh heh!**_


	24. Something Stinky This Way Comes

_**A/N: And AmazonTurk said LET THE BASHING OF SHELKE COMMENCE. And it was so. And AmazonTurk saw that the bashing was good, so she did it some more. And it was good. Because Shelke is annoying and deserves to be bashed (personal opinion). Warning to all Shelke lovers: This fic contains Shelke bashing. If you like Shelke and do not wish to see her bashed...yeah, ya might ought to leave. The both of ya! Or, if you like Shelke and don't mind her taking a little bashing, go ahead and proceed with the reading of this fic. HOWEVER, if you like Shelke, don't want her to be bashed and STILL read this chapter in spite of all my warnings and you flame me, you will find yourself making a guest appearance in my fic 'Operation: Assassination'...as a target. Capish? Capish. LET THE BASHING BEGIN!!!**_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but this bitchin' plot and the brain in which it was created. And the killer hair that keeps the brain warm. I have awesome hair. Seriously...just had it done. Cut real hot with Reno red streaks in it...again. You know, because swimming in chlorine turned my previous red streaks blond (shudders). Now, they're red again..._**

**_Reno: GET ON WITH IT!!!_**

**_Me: (shoots Reno)_**

**_Reno: (dies)_**

**_Reno FanGirls: NOOOOOO!_**

* * *

Reeve's nose twitched as he came into the break room of the W.R.O. headquarters. Something smelled...off. He dismissed it as something that had been heated up in the microwave and waved to Shelke as he went to retrieve a cup of coffee. 

"Good afternoon, Reeve Tuesti," Shelke called in her monotone voice.

"Hello Shelke," he replied in a friendly tone. He looked around the break room, noticing that they were the only two in there. "Where is everyone?"

"I do not know," she answered, her voice slipping from its monotony to squeak slightly. "When I came in, there were several of the personnel here in various states of relaxation. However, a few minutes after I arrived, they left."

"Hmm," Reeve said as he walked over to her, the odor growing stronger as he approached the table she was sitting at. "I wonder why."

"I do not know," she squeaked out. Shelke cleared her throat in an attempt to correct her puberty driven voice change. "Will my voice stop this eventually?"

Reeve chuckled slightly, still trying to figure out what the odor was. "Eventually, yes," he answered. He smiled at her as she reached up and scratched the back of her head. That's when the odor intensified. Reeve's brain finally clicked. It was body odor. And it was coming from Shelke.

Clearing his throat, Reeve attempted to smile. "You...certainly have been aging quickly," he commented, scooting away from her slightly. "You look almost fourteen now."

"Yes," she replied. "I've grown several inches and I've gained exactly 11.7 pounds since my time with Deepground."

"Hey guys! What's up?" Yuffie called as she came in and got a soda out of the vending machines. Raising back up to her full height, she scrunched her nose and looked at them. "Who reeks? Someone has got some serious B.O.!"

Reeve got up and gave Yuffie an appreciative smile. He walked passed her and whispered, "Teach her about deodorant." With that, he left.

Yuffie turned to Shelke and let out a deep breath. "Come on, Shelke," she said wearily. "We need to have a little talk."

* * *

"I did not realize that the odor was offensive," Shelke said as she sniffed the deodorant Yuffie had bought her. "This will help it then?" 

Yuffie nodded. "Yep!" she said cheerfully. "After you shower, put it on under your arms and you're good to go! No stinking! And people won't run away from you...well, because of that anyway."

"People run away from me?" Shelke squeaked. She cleared her throat. "Why?"

Yuffie blew out a breath. "Well, you're kinda...annoying," she said. "More so than me. Which is _really_ bad! I mean, I'm a hyper active ninja. You're a monotone computer freak with no personality. At least I'm fun. You're just...dull."

"Will I develop a personality with puberty?" Shelke asked. "I do not wish to be dull."

"Actually, Shelke, I think 'dull' _is_ your personality. Sorry, Babe."

Shelke stared at her deodorant. "Well, at least I won't smell bad anymore," she said, her monotone returning in all it's dull glory. "I can handle not having a personality."

"That's the spirit!" Yuffie cheered. "Okay, I gotta go. Got a date with Reno! See ya!"

"Good-bye Yuffie Kisaragi," she said as the ninja left. Shelke turned and looked at herself in the mirror. "It appears as if I am developing a skin condition."

She searched her neurological network and retrieved the related data. "Acne," she said to her reflection. "Puberty is really not that enjoyable."

* * *

_**A/N: UGH! Shiva, I HATE Shelke! Is she dull enough? I can't stand her! Grrr...anyway! Nine more reviews and the LEMON!!! Get them in there because, DAMMIT, I want to write it!!!! I'm itching for a lemon so hurry it up you people!!!**_

**_Reno: Am I in the lemon?_**

**_Me: You're SUPPOSED to be dead!_**

**_Reno: Huh? How?_**

**_Me: I shot you. In the first author's note._**

**_Reno: Oh...right. Auto-phoenix._**

**_Me: Damn! But yeah...I think you're in the lemon. Indirectly, directly related, somehow situated within the midst of it. Actually...it's kinda two in one. You won't like it though._**

**_Reno: Are you kidding?! I get to have sex with my sexy ninja girlfriend! I'll LOVE it!_**

**_Me: Uh...yeah. Okay. About that..._**

**_Reno: Huh?_**

**_Me: We'll go into it later. I still need nine reviews to even post it._**

**_Reno: What'd you do?!_**

**_Me: Nothing! Yet..._**


	25. Dragging Ass

_**A/N: 'Kay, so dantesdarkqueen requested this particular situation. However, Apocalyptical requested the following: "I want a Nanaki-based chapter! He doesn't seem to appear very much, but I'm sure a fire-lion-dog-cat-thingie can get into some sort of predicament worthy of Part of Life." And since I aim to please, here ya go.**_

_**Disclaimer: My plot, Squeenix characters. So there. (sticks out tongue)**_

* * *

Tifa wiped down the counter of her bar, humming along to the music playing on the radio. The door opened and she looked over to see the customer entering, but saw no one. The door closed and she heard the patting of feet on her floor. Leaning over the bar, she smiled as the guardian of Cosmo Canyon lept onto a bar stool, giving a feline grin at her. 

"Hey Nanaki!"

"Hello Tifa," Nanaki replied kindly. "How are you?"

"Great, thank you," she said, reaching over to scratch him behind the ears. "What are you doing all the way over here in Edge? Not that I mind. I have missed you."

"Precisely why I'm here," he said, licking her hand in affection. "I missed everyone as well and wished to see them."

"Oh, that's sweet, Nanaki," she said. "You want something to drink?"

"Just some water would be nice and may I trouble you for some food?" he asked fidgeting a little on the stool. "I am quite famished from traveling here."

"No trouble at all," she said, giving him a bowl of water. She washed her hands and headed into the kitchen. "I'll be back in a few, okay?"

"Thank you, my friend," Nanaki called. As soon as she disappeared, Nanaki lept down from the bar stool and turned his head, trying to reach an irritating itch on his hind quarters, whimpering slightly. "No good," he grumbled to himself, sitting down on the floor and dragging his bottom along the hardwood floor. "Oh! That's it!"

The itch relieved for the time being, Nanaki returned to the bar stool and lapped up his water. Tifa returned and sat a bowl of left over beef stew from the night before. "I hope this is okay," she said, sitting across from him with her own bowl. "Just leftovers. I really need to go to the grocery store this afternoon."

Nanaki's stomach growled and his mouth watered at seeing the food. He tasted it. "It's delicious!" he exclaimed, eating the stew greedily. "You are an excellent cook, Tifa."

Tifa blushed. "Thanks," she said, taking her spoon and eating the stew. "So, do you want to go with me to the grocery store when we are done?"

"Sure," he said, licking his lips. "Are they quadraped friendly?"

Tifa laughed. "For you, they will be," she answered watching as he fidgeted some more on his perch. "You okay?"

Nanaki whimpered again as the itch came back. Unable to stand it, he jumped from the stool and dragged his bottom on the floor again. Tifa giggled at the sight. "It's not funny, Tifa," he whined. "This itch won't go away."

"You just remind me of a puppy I had when I was a little girl," she said between laughs. "I always thought it was so cute when he did that! But when his little butt itched, it meant he had worms."

Nanaki yelped as a splinter from the hardwood stuck into his hind quarters. "Worms?" he asked, trying to get the splinter out.

Tifa got up and came around the bar. "Come on," she said. "I know a really nice vet. Let's go pay her a visit."

* * *

Nanaki lay on the ground in Seventh Heaven's kitchen. The vet had been very kind. She had removed the splinter and prescribed some medication for his problem. And the blasted itching had finally gone away. 

"Hey Tifa?" he said, looking over at the martial artist as she cooked dinner for Cloud and the kids, and for him too, he assumed.

"Yeah?" she asked, glancing over at him.

"Thank you."

Tifa turned and smiled, going over to her four-legged friend. "No problem," she said, patting his head.

* * *

_**A/N: Nanaki was dragging his butt! That just strikes me as funny. He's so proper and then all of a sudden, butt dragging! Tifa's sweet, isn't she? I love her. Okay, so three more reviews until the lemon, you guys! Hurry it up! Review!**_


	26. The Lemons

_**A/N: Here's your lemon(s), you horny bastards! This was hard as HELL to get out! I scrapped the first draft because Vincent was all 'angst, emo, angst, carve your name under Lucrecia's' and shit. No way! (shudders) I'm realitively happy with this. Enjoy! Standard warnings apply. If you're under 18, get the hell outta here. Ratings are there for a reason, Kiddies. Don't want you having nightmares from reading rough sex.**_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but the bitchin' plot and the people who sold it on sale. Wait...what?!_**

* * *

Yuffie threw her bottle of soda at Reno, her eyes flashing in anger. "You know what, you fucking asshole? I don't give a flying fuck in space what the fuck you do! Just do it far the hell away from me!" 

Reno stood up and shook out his jacket. "Fine!" he yelled back. "You know, I don't even know why I wanted to be with you! You're nothing but an annoying, crazy, immature, ninja BITCH!"

"Oh, it is SO over, Turk Boy!" she exclaimed. "Get the fuck out of my life!"

Reno walked out the door, turning just enough to flip her off. "Go to hell, Yuffie," he snarled.

Yuffie picked up a glass from Tifa's bar and threw it at the door. "You first!" she screamed back.

Tifa stared wide eyed at the door and then at her best friend, watching as tears filled Yuffie's angry eyes. "Teef," she said, turning to the martial artist. "I'll pay for the glass."

"Yuffie, what is going on?" she asked.

Yuffie just shook her head. "Don't worry about it," she said, picking up her cell phone off the bar counter and putting it in the pocket of her shorts. She shot her a forced smile. "I'll be fine."

"Yuffie..."

The ninja headed to the back door. "I'm fine!" she yelled as she left.

Tifa sighed and got her broom, going to clean up the broken glass.

* * *

Vincent had just closed his cell phone when a knock sounded at his door. He hit his remote and opened the door, not surprised to see Yuffie walk it. He rose to his feet as she came to him, the door hissing shut behind her. She threw herself into his arms and kissed him fiercely, her tongue assaulting his relentlessly. Vincent stifled a moan as he removed Yuffie's arms from around him. 

"Yuffie..."

"No," she said, slamming her lips against his again, unbuttoning the jacket of his Turk uniform. "Just shut up and fuck me, Vincent."

Vincent lost himself in the kiss for a moment, just savoring the soft lips of the ninja. He cared for her, but this was wrong. He didn't love her; he didn't want to take advantage of her after she just broke up with her boyfriend. Tifa had called him and told him everything, asking him to watch out for Yuffie when she returned to the W.R.O. Headquarters. He was sure she didn't mean to fuck her friend's brains out to make her forget her pain.

But it appeared that was exactly what Yuffie had in mind.

"Yuffie, stop!" Vincent growled, pushing the girl away from him and trying to gain his breath. "This is wrong."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Vinnie!" Yuffie said, throwing her hands up. "Would you _please_ stop being a gentleman for once? Why is it wrong?"

"Tifa called me," he said, adjusting his jacket to hide his erection. "She told me everything."

Yuffie shrugged. "Right, I'm not with Reno now," she said. "No guilt in cheating. Now fuck me."

Vincent dodged just in time to avoid her. Yuffie huffed. "Stop it," he said. "I won't; I don't love you."

Yuffie rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her slim hips. "Who the fuck cares?" she hissed. "I don't love you either. Well, I love you like I love Tifa, as a friend, but that's it. I need someone right now, Vincent. I'm comfortable with you. I care for you. You are my friend."

Vincent stared at her. "Don't you fear that by doing this again, it will ruin our friendship?" he asked.

"No," Yuffie laughed. "It didn't before; why should it now?"

Vincent stared at her, pondering her words for a minute. Yuffie went to him and hugged him. "Come _on_, Vinnie," she said with a smile. "Just to get some aggression out. Besides," she said, grinding her hips against his erection. "I know _you_ want it."

Vincent growled as he stared down at her. "I would rather you come to me for this," he snarled into her breath. "At least this way, I know you are safe from predatory males that would take advantage of you."

"Right, oh great guardian," she said with a smirk. She leaned up and kissed him again. "Now, fuck me."

Vincent's claw tore through her top, sending the ruined garment fluttering to the ground as he deepened the kiss. Her shorts were the next to be torn from her body, joining her top on the floor. Yuffie threw his jacket to the floor, his tie and dress shirt following closely behind. "Like the uniform, Vince," she said with a grin. "It's easier to get you out of."

Vincent made a non-committal noise as he attacked Yuffie's neck with his lips and teeth, biting and sucking on her jugular. "Leviathan," she breathed out, her eyes closing and her knees buckling as he relentlessly teased her pulse point. Vincent reached down between her legs and thrust his fingers up into her dripping folds, snarling with pleasure as the digits were consumed in the moist heat. The fingers of his clawed hand buried in her hair, the fingers of his human hand buried in the very core of her, Vincent sucked and bit at her sensitive neck as he created a rhythm in her loins that quickly caused her to scream his name, bucking against him violently as she did so. "Vincent!"

There was something primally delicious about giving a woman an orgasm without even having released his member from the confines of his pants. Vincent fed off the pleasured screams and moans of Yuffie as her body clenched and tightened around his fingers, her juices running over his hand and dripping down her thighs. She moaned softly as he removed his fingers, undoing his pants and letting them fall to the ground. His shoes and socks having already been removed before she arrived, he simply stepped out of his pants and boxers, moving to press the little bundle of over-sensitized nerves against his wall.

Grasping her hips, he lifted her, Yuffie wrapping her legs around him as he thrust deep into her body. Yuffie's head fell back, her eyes shut and mouth hanging opened as Vincent began to move. Threading her fingers through his jet black hair, Yuffie brought his lips to hers, moaning as Vincent's mouth devoured hers in a heated kiss, his tongue thrusting into her mouth, mimicking the actions of their bodies.

Yuffie moaned loudly into his mouth, tearning her lips from his with a gasp as she felt the approaching orgasm. "Vinnie," she slurred, drunk with ecstacy. "Gods, faster. Harder, damn it, fuck me harder!"

Vincent opened his mouth and bit down hard on her neck, thrusting up into her with as much force as he could muster in his trembling legs. Yuffie screamed as her orgasm hit her, her walls clenching, dragging along his member in exquisite silken heat, sending Vincent over the edge as well.

Collapsing to the ground, Vincent grunted as Yuffie's full weight fell upon him, slipping out of her as she leaned forward to kiss him. She stroked his face and smiled. "Thanks, Vinnie," she whispered.

Vincent returned the smile and kissed her back. "I think I need more friends like you, Yuffie," he said, trailing his finger in the blood dripping from the bite mark he caused.

Yuffie laughed. "I'd say so," she replied, eyeing her blood on his fingers. She grinned at him. "Vampire."

Vincent barred his teeth and hissed, sending Yuffie into a laughing fit.

* * *

The green haired Turk walked down the halls of the ShinRa Building, looking over some documents for Tseng. She nearly screamed when an arm wrapped around her middle and a hand covered her mouth, preventing any sound from emerging. Her captor dragged her down the hall, into her office and closed the door, locking it. Akalara turned and threw a punch to the face of the man, her fist caught in his hand. 

She blinked. "Reno?" she asked. He smirked at her. Akalara narrowed her eyes. "You goddamned son-of-a-mother-fucking-bitch assfuck bastard! You got a lot of nerve doing that, especially after getting into a committed relationship when you swore you never would. So, add lying-manipulative-sick-ass-cock-sucker to that list."

Reno delved his fingers into her hair and kissed her fiercely, his teeth bumping against hers with the force of the kiss. Shocked, Akalara could do nothing but respond to the kiss, threading her fingers through his hair, removing the elastic that held his ponytail in place. Finding her resolve, she pushed him away and slapped him hard across his face. "Get out," she hissed.

Reno smirked at her. "Shiva, I've missed you, Green Bitch," he said, pressing against her again. "Beat me, abuse me, do whatever you want to me, cause, Baby, I'm a free man tonight."

Akalara's cranberry red eyes clouded over with lust. "Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?" she asked, yanking his hair back and baring her teeth at him.

"Oh, fuck yeah," Reno groaned, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. "Do it, Ak. Just like you used to."

He heard the click of her handcuffs, always on her, always within easy access, and grinned lopsidely. "I'm about to come right now," he moaned as she cuffed his other hand together. She reached into her jacket pocket and produced a remote control, smirking as she hit a button. Her ceiling opened up and a metal hook lowered to hang above his head. Grabbing his cuffed hands, she looped the chain through the hook and raised it slightly so that he was standing on his tiptoes.

"You've been bad, Reno," she purred, riping his uniform off, and running her nails down his chest, leaving whelps along the plains of muscle. "You need to be...punished."

"Fuck," Reno hissed as she reached into her desk drawer. He knew what was coming and his cock twitched in anticipation. "Oh, gods yes."

The riding crop smacked against his chest and he moaned at the stinging sensation, precum dripping from the tip of his erection. "Nobody can give it to you like I can, Reno," Akalara told him, tracing the lines of his body with the crop. She stopped and brought it down hard on his ass. "Don't you forget that."

"Dammit, touch me already, you sadistic bitch!" Reno yelled, his eyes flaring with lust.

Akalara landed the crop on his face, smirking as a wicked looking red mark appeared on his cheek. Reno growled, his erection straining painfully upward, begging for release. "Ak, come on, Baby," he groaned. Her crop made contact with his upper thighs, her sadisitic smile widening when she saw she had drawn blood. "Fuckin'..."

Again, another sharp contact with his ass. "That's five, Reno," she purred, running her knee between his legs. "Are you going to be a good boy or do you need more?"

Reno stared at her, tears streaming down his face. "Get me down," he growled, the brilliant aquamarine brighter with desire. "And I swear to every god there is you won't be able to walk tomorrow."

Akalara smirked and lowered him to the ground. Reno unhooked the cuffs from the metal hook and attacked his fellow Turk, bound hands ripping at the black material of her uniform. His tongue slammed into her mouth as he looped his arms around her back and pulled her naked body to his, backing her up against her desk, paperwork flying. Akalara kissed him back, her nails digging into his flesh as he entered her and immediately began moving. Not ten seconds later, Reno, being Reno, already had her screaming her first orgasm as her hands fisted in his hair and yanked. Crazed with lust, Reno bit along her neck and ears, moving down to her breasts, launching an oral assault on them as well. Akalara screamed again as she climaxed, her juices spilling over him, her body swallowing him into her, pushing him over the edge. Reno threw his head back, roaring his release as he mercilessly pounded into the pulsating heat of his lover.

Breathless, panting and spent, the two collapsed into each other, a kiss, not as heated as before passing between them. "Thanks, Ak," he said, with a smile, nuzzling her cheek with his chin.

Akalara smiled, kissing his chin. "Anytime," she answered.

She removed the handcuffs when he presented them to her and watched as he gathered his ripped clothing. Reno winked at her before exiting her office and heading to his own for a change of clothes. Having dressed again, he tossed the ruined uniform in the trash and walked down the hall, kissing the fingers of his left hand and placing them on the picture of a fallen comrade as he passed by. Fighting back the tears that threatened to fall, he left the building and headed home.

* * *

Yuffie looked up from her magazine when the door to the apartment opened slowly. Reno peeked in and grinned sheepishly. "Hey," she said softly, closing the magazine and smiling at him. "How'd it go?" 

Reno nodded and tossed his keys on the side table, closing and locking the door behind him. "Good," he answered. "Real good. You?"

"Amazing," she answered with a sigh. She reached out and touched his face. "He'll never be you, though."

Reno grinned at her and leaned over to kiss her lips. "Same here," he said, pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her. He trailed his fingers over the teeth marks on her neck, chuckling as he did so. "Damn vampire."

Yuffie laughed, placing her fingers over his. "I know," she said, snuggling against his chest. Reno hissed in pain, causing Yuffie to sit up. She opened his shirt wider and smirked. "Damn Green Bitch."

"Still the same Akalara," he said, kissing his wife's lips. "Think Teef will be shocked to see us 'back together' tomorrow?"

"Nah," Yuffie said with a smile. "If she is, she'll get over it. I'd rather have to explain a make up from a break up than a 'free pass' with my husband anyday."

Reno laughed at that. "True that, Babe," he said, kissing her again. "Happy Anniversary, Yuffie."

"Happy Anniversary, Reno."

* * *

**_A/N: Who's confused as hell? (hands raise) Okay, explaination time. I just tied in three of my fics, 'Operation: Assassination', 'Part of Life' and 'What Happens in Costa del Sol'. Reno and Yuffie are married at the end of 'What Happens in Costa del Sol'. Akalara is a Turk that Reno was involved with during 'Operation: Assassination'. Vincent is back in the Turks helping Tseng train the new recruits in 'Operation: Assassination'. As for the fallen comrade...not yet written. Oh, this night, was a free pass night. Clear as mud? Good! REVIEW!!!_**


	27. Cookies and Beer and Bears!  OH MY!

_**A/N: I know I still have a bunch of other requests to do, but this one just hit me with inspiration when I read it. From Dark Queen Come To Krynn: "Cloud should have to explain to Denzel about gay people." This will feature my best friend in the whole wide world, Enoch, who has had his heart broken, but hopefully now has found the guy of his dreams.**_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but the bitchin' plot._**

* * *

Denzel bounded down the stairs to the bar, heading for the kitchen for a snack. Tifa had just opened the bar and it was still relatively empty, save for a few of the regulars and a couple new guys sitting in a booth. He waved to the one's who called him by name and smiled at the new customers, hoping they would become regulars so that his adoptive mother would have more business. 

"Hey Sweetie," Tifa said, as he came around the bar and hugged her. "What's up?"

"I'm hungry," he answered, rubbing a scrape on his knee. "Can I have some cookies?"

Tifa nodded. "Sure," she told him cheerfully. She smiled. "You want to get them, or do you want to take car of the bar for a few minutes? You remember how to pour a beer, right?"

Denzel's face lit up as he nodded enthusiastically. He loved helping serve drinks. He didn't get to do it too often, as he was a little...clumsy, and had broken a lot of Tifa's glasses, but she still let him help from time to time.

Tifa ruffled his hair. "Okay," she said, planting a kiss to his forehead. "I'll be right back."

"Okay," Denzel said, hopping onto a stool so he could see over the bar. He watched as two more regulars came in and headed up to him. He didn't really like these guys, because Cloud didn't. He had said something about them trying to grab Tifa and if it happened again, he'd throw them out on their asses.

"What, the Babe's got the kid running the bar tonight?" one laughed as he sat on a stool. He slapped down some gil. "Gimme a beer, Kid."

Denzel poured the amber liquid into a frosted mug and sat it in front of the guy, pouring the next one. The back door opened and Cloud walked in, dusty from the road. Denzel beamed. "Hey Cloud!" he said, leaping down and running to the man.

Cloud caught Denzel in a hug and patted his back. "Hey, Little Man," he said with a smile. "You got bar duty tonight?"

"Just for a little while," he said, climbing back on his stool. "Tifa's getting me some cookies."

Cloud raised his eyebrows. "Cookies?" he asked, looking behind him. "What kind?"

"She made some chocolate chip earlier."

Cloud's stomach growled and he laughed. "Looks like I'm stealing some cookies from ya, Denz," he told the boy.

"I'll share with ya," Denzel said. "Don't go all Yuffie on me and try to steal them or I'll have to beat you up."

"He'll do it to," Tifa giggled, coming out with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Denzel. She leaned up and kissed Cloud. "I didn't know you were back."

Cloud grinned and patted her ass. "Got done early," he said, giving her another kiss.

"Oy! None of that! We don't want to see that shit in here!"

They turned looking guilitily at one of the men who Denzel had served, but saw that he had walked over to the two new customers and was standing with his arms crossed over his chest. "This ain't a damn gay bar, so keep your fuckin' hands and lips to yourselves, got it?"

"Oh boy," Tifa said rolling her eyes. "Cloud..."

"On it," the blond said, walking around the bar. He stopped at the side of the regular, smiling apologetically at the two men in the booth. "Stan, they aren't hurting anyone. Just having a couple of drinks and that's it."

Stan turned to Cloud. "Their kind isn't allowed in here," he told him with a snarl.

"Actually, we don't care who comes in and enjoys our hospitality," Cloud replied crossing his arms over his chest. "As long as no fights break out, we're cool. Go sit down and finish your beer."

Stan poked Cloud in his chest. "Uh oh," Denzel whispered, watching as his hero's eyes narrowed. He giggled behind his hand as Cloud simply stared at Stan.

"Don't do that, Stan," Cloud said calmly.

"You don't tell me what to do," Stan snapped. "I don't want a bunch of flaming queens drinking in the same place as me."

"Then get the fuck out."

Stan balked and turned to Tifa. "Teef, I'm a good paying customer," he said. "You gonna let Chocobo Head talk to me like that?"

Tifa smiled. "He's my business partner and my boyfriend," she said, wiping out a glass. "I trust his judgment. If he says you go, I'll help him boot your ass on out of here."

"Un-fucking-believeable," Stan exclaimed. "So you're going to let a bunch of fags stay here and let a normal guy like me walk out?"

One of the men in question stood up and moved to stand beside Cloud. He was a very large man, approximately 6'3" and 300 pounds. Cloud looked up at him and paled. "If you don't care," the man said, his voice very calm and deep. "May I take care of this?"

Tifa giggled as Cloud nodded and stepped back, taking the big man's seat at the booth. The man looked at Tifa and raised an eyebrow in question. She nodded her go ahead. Smiling slightly, he grabbed Stan by the collar of his shirt and slammed him up against the wall. "I have tolerated you singling me and my partner out, degrading us and calling us 'flaming queens'," he snarled. "But don't you ever use the term 'fag' to describe us or any other homosexual person again, or I will hunt you down and gut you, understand?"

Stan nodded, his face pale and his limbs shaking. The large man tossed Stan aside. "Now, I believe the owners wanted you out," he said calmly. "I suggest you leave."

Stan scrambled to his feet and left, his friend right behind him. Tifa clapped her hands and laughed. "A fight without me having to mop up any blood!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "Drinks all around!"

The bar exploded in cheers as the big man made his way back over to the booth. Cloud stood up and shook his hand. "Good job," he said with a smile. "Need a job as a bouncer?"

He laughed as he sat back down. "I'll keep that in mind," he said. "My name's Enoch and this is my partner, Jasen."

Cloud shook Jasen's hand. "Pleasure to meet you guys," he said. "I'm Cloud, Tifa's my girlfriend and Denzel's our son. You all are welcomed here whenever you like. Sorry about that asshole."

Enoch smiled. "It's fine," he said. "Thanks for letting me take care of it."

"No problem," he said, slapping him on the shoulder. "Take care, guys."

Cloud sat at the bar across from Denzel and snatched a cookie from the plate. "Hey, Cloud?" Denzel asked. "Why was that guy so mad at those guys?"

"Because they're gay," Cloud said chewing on his cookie. "Stan's a punk bigot bastard."

"Cloud!" Tifa said, swatting his arm. "Don't curse in front of the kids."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"What's 'gay'?" Denzel asked.

Cloud cocked his head. "Well, you know how I like to kiss Tifa and she likes to kiss me?" he asked. Denzel nodded. "Well, that means we're straight. I'm a guy and I like girls and she's a girl and she likes guys."

"Okay."

"Well, those two guys, Enoch and Jasen, they like kissing other guys," he said. "So, that means they're gay. Same thing if a girl likes other girls. She's gay."

"Are they bad?" Denzel asked.

"Nah," Cloud said. "Just have different preferences than what is considered to be 'normal'. Different is good, Denz. Makes the Planet much more interesting."

"So," he asked. "Am I gay?"

Cloud shrugged. "Don't know," he said. "Who would you rather kiss? Marlene or your friend Bobby?"

"Ew, neither!" he said, sticking out his tongue.

"Then I'd say you're too young to know yet," Cloud said with a grin. "Don't matter. You'll figure it out when you're older. Just remember, whatever life you chose, Tifa and I will love you just the same, okay?"

"What makes people gay?" he asked. "I mean, will I just wake up and go, 'I'm gay' and that's it?"

"Nah, you just will fall in love with someone, or start having feelings for someone," he said. "Guy or girl, doesn't matter. You can't help who you fall in love with, Little Man."

Denzel waved to their new friends as they left smiling as he did. "Okay, Cloud," he said, taking his plate of cookies. "See ya."

Cloud smiled as Denzel went upstairs. "We got a good kid, Teef," he said to the brunette.

She grinned and nodded, watching as it finally dawned on Cloud. "That little punk!" he exclaimed chaising after him. "Denzel! You're supposed to share those cookies!"

Tifa giggled as she heard Cloud chase Denzel around upstairs, trying to get the cookies back. Life was always interesting at Seventh Heaven.

* * *

**_A/N: Ending's weak, but oh well! I'm kinda drained, I did just post two lemons, you know. Review!_**


	28. Slight Discomfort

_**A/N: (pats fic) I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry. My husband's helping me with this one since I have no first hand experience whatsoever in this department. Requested by dantesdarkqueen, my Wyrd Sister.**_

_**Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still not going to convert it to hi-def CG with pixelated penises. Sorry.**_

_**Shout Out: 'Tis the time for my fics to be flamed! HOORAY! Our idiot du jour is stupidisstupiddoes for flaming this fic. This is what he/she/it said, word for word, misspellings, sentence fragments and everything: "well, you left out reeve, barret, aerith, and a whole lot of other people... zack and sephiroth...what the hell's up with your biased vinXyuf clo-ti crap? grossnes!!"**_

_**Point One: Reeve has hemorrhoids in Chapter 14, 'Burning Sensation'.**_

_**Point Two: Barret spits on Vincent's boots in Chapter 3, 'Watch Where You Hawk That Thing!'**_

_**Point Three: Aeris(th), Zack and Sephiroth are DEAD! Weclome to the world AFTER Dirge of Cerberus, Numbnuts.**_

_**Point Four: Vincent's hot, Yuffie is actually paired with Reno and I like her, Cloud and Tifa are one of my favorite couples. It's called diversity. If everyone thought the same, the Planet would be boring as hell.**_

_**Point Five: 'grossnes' is not a word. If you were going to spell it correctly, add an extra 's' at the end, okay?**_

_**So, there you have it! stupidisstupiddoes...yes, yes you are. Write some fics and then come critique my work. Any and all future flamers will be subjected to dissection and pointed and laughed at. (points and laughs at stupidisstupiddoes)**_

_**Okay! On with the chapter!**_

* * *

He was the most powerful man on the Planet. He had money, prestige, influence...minions, for Odin's sake. And yet, he was still subjected to this barbaric display of dominance by the cold hands of a sadistic freak who had spent the majority of his youth and young adulthood in an educational institution just so he could perform this ritual. Yet in all his despair, Rufus could be thankful for one thing. 

Hojo was dead and would not be performing his yearly physcial ever again.

Standing in the cold examination room in nothing but a paper gown, Rufus glared at a spot on the wall directly next to Tseng's head. It was humiliating enough having his tesiticles handled by an ancient relic who smelled of garlic and BioFreeze; but having Reno there would have been worse. He could trust Tseng to keep his eyes professionally alert, yet down, whereas Reno would be 'comparing goods'.

"Any complaints, President Rufus?" the doctor asked as he listened to his heart.

"No, Dr. Payne," he answered simply.

"Bowel movements regular? No bladder issues?"

"None, Doctor."

"Any sexual problems? Premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, oddly colored semen?"

_Gods damn it!_ Rufus shrieked mentally. "No, Doctor," he said through clenched teeth. "Nothing unusual at all."

The doctor nodded and reached for a pair of rubber gloves. "Good, good," he said, reaching under Rufus' gown and grabbing his testicles firmly. "Turn your head and cough."

Rufus did as he was instructed. The doctor nodded again. "Good," he said, reaching for a tube of lubricant. He coated his fingers and went behind Rufus, moving the opened parts of his gown back. "Slight discomfort," he said as he inserted a long finger into Rufus' anus.

Rufus hissed and closed his eyes, hating this particular part of the exam. He felt the doctor's finger moving around inside his ass and he inwardly wished he could just shit on the old man.

The doctor's finger withdrew and the gloves were tossed in the trash can. He washed his hands and turned to Rufus with a smile. "That's in, President Rufus," he said kindly. "You are as healthy as a chocobo."

Rufus stared at the man in disbelief. "That's...it?" he asked. The doctor nodded with a grandfatherly smile. Rufus returned it. For the first time after his physical exam, he didn't feel...violated.

"Get dressed, President," Dr. Payne told him. "And I don't want to see you back for another year."

Rufus grinned. "Yes, Doctor."

* * *

Reno pushed himself off the wall when Tseng and Rufus came through the doors of the examination room. "All done?" he asked with a lewd smile. "Tha' didn't take long. Didn't you get any flowers from your date?" 

Rufus ignored the comment and continued walking, taking his cell phone out and dialing a number. Dr. Payne stepped out of his office, a file in hand. He smiled at the President and inclined his head toward Tseng. Reno ducked his eyes and sped up.

"Not so fast, Reno," Dr. Payne said, clearing his throat. "This way please."

Reno cursed and stuck his hands in his pockets and followed the doctor to another examination room. Rufus smirked at the sulking red head and Tseng actually chuckled.

"_Hello?_" came the voice on the other end of the line.

Rufus smiled. "Magni," he said gently. "Care to join me for lunch?"

* * *

_**A/N: Sorry so short...I've had servere migraines since Saturday. Shun the non-reviewers! SSSSHHHUUUUUNNNNNNN!**_


	29. Can You Take Your Finger Outta My Ass?

**_A/N: 'Operation: Assassination' is being a bitch; 'Caged Canary' is being a thong (yes, a thong; it has Kuja from IX in it so it's being a thong); 'The Finger' has given me...well...The Finger. So, I've decided to come over here to my neglected fic and escape from the angst I've been writing and push this bitch up over 10,000 hits. Oh, and 22 people have this fic on alert so I am expecting a review from everyone who is on that list. Because I KNOW who you are. Also, who ever gives me my 150th review, I will give you a gift fic...cos I'm nice like that. Onward!_**

**_Disclaimer: If you honestly believe that I own it then you also believe the rumors that my daughter was spawned via immaculate conception. Oh yeah...I'm still a virgin._**

* * *

Reno was fidgeting. He hated doctors. He hated exam rooms. He hated fucking Tseng and Rufus...wait, let's rephrase that; he never fucked those guys. He hated _stupid_ Tseng and Rufus for leaving his ass here at Dr. Payne's mercy. Evil Dr. Payne with his evil name and his evil friendly smile and evil warm laughter and his evil rubber gloved hands and his evil ability to cause Reno to think in run-on sentences. 

Evil doctor.

Reno hated him.

"Okay, Reno," Dr. Payne said, spinning around in his stool to face the Turk. "Why haven't you been in to see me? You are several months over due for your yearly exam. In fact, I have half a mind to give you two physicals since you're so late."

Reno paled at that.

"And a shot."

Reno lept from the bed, not even caring that his bare ass was shown in all it's glory as he rushed toward the door. Dr. Payne grabbed his arm and laughed, pushing him back to the bed. "Reno," he said, shaking his head as he chuckled. "I'm really not that bad of a guy, all right? Now, I promise you, this will be quick."

"That's what the last guy said and I think his finger is still up my ass," Reno grumbled.

"Well, I guess we'll have to remove it then," Dr. Payne said good naturedly. He stuck his stethescope in his ears and placed it to Reno's chest. "First things first, deep breaths, please."

Reno breathed in deeply and exhaled several times. Dr. Payne shook his head. "I'd tell you to quit smoking, but the Mako that ShinRa used to inject you boys with seems to be negating the effects of the cigarettes."

Reno grinned. "Bitchin'," he said. He nudged the doctor playfully. "Maybe I'll up my intake another pack a day."

"Please don't," Dr. Payne laughed, checking his ears. "And you may want to clean these things out once in a while, Reno. Might improve your hearing."

"What?"

"I said 'it might improve..." the doctor stopped himself at Reno's smirk and chuckled. "Jokester. Are you getting more comfortable around me or is this how you handle stress?"

"Both."

"Good," Dr. Payne said reaching for a pair of rubber gloves. He snapped them over his hands with a flourish. "Then let's get to the main event, shall we?"

Reno swallowed. "Uh, okay," he stammered. "So, uh, how ya want me, Doc? Hands and knees or missionary?"

Dr. Payne rolled his eyes. "Just stand up please," he said. He reached under Reno's paper gown and cupped his testicles. "Turn your head and cough, please."

"You sure you don't want me to sing?" Reno gasped out. "You shove my nuts up any further and I'll be a fucking soprano."

"Just cough, Reno."

Reno let out a disgusting phlem filled hack, turning his head and spitting the ooze into the trash can to his right. "That work?" he asked with a smirk as he wiped his mouth with his arm.

"It'll do," Dr. Payne chuckled, reaching for the lubricant and coating his fingers. "Okay, Reno. Slight discomfort."

Reno bit his lip as he felt the doctor's finger enter him. He prodded him and poked him and..._oh shit_.

"Hmm," the doctor voiced. "Reno, you appear to have some built up scar tissue."

_Don't hit it again, don't hit it again, don't hit it again_, Reno pleaded in his mind.

"R-really?" he stuttered. "Wonder...nnh...why?"

The doctor manuevered his finger again, brushing against that spot again. "_Fuck_," Reno hissed out, looking down as the front of his gown started tenting involuntarily. He'd forgotten how good this felt. And this was just a routine ass exam! When he got Sephiroth and Zack drunk enough...oh _Shiva_, the things they'd do to him.

"Reno, have you been having any physical problems?" the doctor inquired, still examining him. "Any erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, odd colored semen?"

Reno let out a strained laugh. ""No problems there, Doc," he said. "Uh, ngh...can you take your finger outta my ass now?"

"I'm concerned about the scar tissue, Reno," Dr. Payne said, brow furrowed. He glanced up at the red-head. "I apologize for the discomfort."

"Okay, but, you know, just warning...ah! Just warning ya...you may get to...ngh...see first hand what color the semen is."

The doctor eased his finger out quickly and glared at the Turk. "Did that arouse you?" he asked.

"Uh, brought back some repressed memories is all," Reno said sheepishly, trying to hide his erection.

The doctor laughed. "Ah," he said with a nod. "That could be the reason for the scar tissue."

"That, and the fact the my wif-, er, uh...girlfriend likes to stick her vibrator up my ass sometimes," Reno grinned.

The doctor shook his head. "You young kids," he said. He patted Reno's shoulder. "Tell her to be sure to use lubricant if she's going to do that, all right? Get dressed and get outta here."

Reno saluted. "You got it, Doc."

* * *

Yuffie had the music blaring in her ears, her mp3 player jacked up all the way as she cooked dinner. Dressed in nothing but a sports bra and a pair of bootie shorts, she danced across the kitchen, stirring this and seasoning that. She shrieked when a pair of arms wrapped around her. 

Reno plucked the ear buds out of her ears and laughed at her. "You know, for a ninja, you suck," he told her.

She smirked. "You've never complained about my sucking," she said with a wink.

Reno growled and kissed her fiercely. "True that, Babe," he groaned. He checked out the contents of the stove. "How long til dinner's ready?"

Yuffie shrugged and stirred the rice again. "Twenty minutes, tops," she said. She cocked her head. "Why? What's up?"

Reno lifted her onto the counter and stood between her legs, his arms wrapped around her waist. "I got something I really shoulda told you a long ass time ago," he said.

"You have more kids than Axys?" she asked. "I got more step-kids or something? 'Cause that's cool."

Reno laughed. "No, Axys is all I know about anyway," he said. He poked her nose. "I'm bi."

Yuffie blinked. "Seriously?" she said softly.

"Yeah," he answered. "Hadn't been with a guy in...damn, eight years, but yeah."

"Why so long?" she asked, scraching her nose. "You know, just outta curiousity."

"Last guys I were with are kinda hard to top," he laughed. She arched her eyebrow in question. "Zack and Seph."

Her mouth dropped and she let out what sounded like a very fangirlish squee. "Are you shitting me?" she exclaimed with a grin.

"Not one bit," he said. "But, they were drunk at the time."

"That...is so fuckin'...HOT!"

Reno blinked this time. "Excuse me?"

"Gods, got any on tape?" she asked. "I'd masturbate to that shit."

"Okay, you are totally turning me on right now," he growled. "You're cool with this?"

"Uh, yeah," she exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Reno, I love you and I want you to be happy in our marriage. So, if you want to bring another guy in here and let him fuck you're brains outs...hot DAMN, just let me watch and join in."

Reno thrust his fingers through his hair. "Are you for real?!" he asked. Her smirk said it all. Reno clasped his hands together and looked toward the heaven's. "Thank you for this super bitchin' cool wife that I have that is totally okay with me having a boyfriend!"

"One condition," Yuffie said, hand in the air.

Reno looked at her. "What?" he asked warily.

"I," she said, seductive smile in place. "Get a girlfriend."

Reno growled and tackled her to the floor, ripping her measley excuse for clothing off as she squealed in delight.

And dinner? Yeah, let's just say it's a good thing Pizza Shack is on speed dial.

* * *

_**A/N: I love Reno!**_

_**Reno: Wanna be Yuffie's girlfriend?**_

_**Me: ...Okay!**_

_**Reno/Yuffie: YES!!!**_

_**Review!**_


	30. When Does The Itching Stop?

_**A/N: Okay, for those of you who haven't read 'Operation: Assassination'...WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! Just kidding. (glare) Anyway, I made Organization XIII a band. N.C. is one of the Turk OC's and she is dating Demyx. Anyway, if you want to know everyone's positions (mind, gutter, snicker), check out chapter 49 of 'Operation: Assassination'. This 'Part of Life' is brought to you by an old request from dantesdarkqueen. I told you I would, Girl! Here you go!**_

**_Disclaimer: (snatches copyright from Nomura and runs away) IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! MWAH HA HA HA HA!!! OW! (is attacked by a swarm of Heartless and is overpowered and the copyright is removed from my still twitching hands) Noooooo! Damn it._**

* * *

"Seriously, Shelke, it's okay," Yuffie said, pouring her a drink. "Look, you may appear only 12 now, but you are nineteen, almost twenty years old. Besides, there's no legal drinking age in Edge. Try it. Live a little! Develop a personality." 

Shelke sighed and brushed her growing hair out of her face. "Fine," she relented. Taking the drink Yuffie had poured her, she took a tenative sip. "What is it?"

"An appletini."

Shelke took a longer drink. "I like it," she said, smiling slightly up at the ninja.

Yuffie nodded. "So, wanna go clubbing tonight?" she asked. "Reno's out on a mission and Tifa said she doesn't need me here tonight. We can get dressed up, hang out, have fun. Whadda ya say?"

"Sure," Shelke answered, downing the rest of her drink. "But you'll have to tell me what to wear, okay?"

Yuffie blinked. "Shelke?" she asked. "Did you...just use a contraction?"

Shelke grinned lopsidely. "Uh huh."

Yuffie returned the grin. "This should be interesting," she said, slipping Tifa's digital camera into her pocket.

* * *

Yuffie snickered as she and Shelke got into Poison, the club on nineth street, with ease. The ninja had dressed in her typical short shorts and tall boots, switching the tan colors to black. She also sported a really tight, really tiny black top. 

Shelke, however, was every pedophile's dream. She had started aging physically and currently appeared between the ages of twelve and thirteen. Her breasts were roughly a B-cup and her figure was becoming more defined. She was actually kinda cute. So, Yuffie had put her in pink fishnets, black healed Mary Jane's, a short pleated skirt (from Yuffie's uniform from school in Wutai), a black bra and a white button i[shirt that only had the two middle buttons fastened and was tied in a knot above her belly button. And her hair was in two pigtails and she was sucking on a lollipop.

Jailbait, anyone?

"Yuffie, I want another drink," she pouted over the music. Yuffie stared at her. One appletini and she was tipsy. Of course, Yuffie had mixed it herself and she had added maybe more vodka than the recipe called for...by about, oh 6 ounces or so. And given the fact that Shelke had never had alcohol ever...nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

"Okay, whaddaya want?"

Shelke giggled and shrugged. "I don't know, whatever," she said. "You get me something and I'll dance!"

Yuffie didn't even have time to respond as the school girl ran off onto the dance floor. Laughing to herself, she went to the bar and ordered a couple strawberry daquiri's...with extra rum. As she was making her way to find Shelke, she spotted one of Reno's fellow Turks with her boyfriend and went over to say hi.

"Hey Yuffie!" N.C. said, leaping to her feet and giving her a hug. "How are you?"

"Good!" Yuffie answered plopping down across from Demyx and taking a drink of her daquiri. "You guys playing here tonight, Dem?"

"Nah," he said, wrapping his arm around N.C. "Just spending some time with my girl is all. What about you? Where's Reno?"

"Mission," she answered. "I'm here with a friend. She's never been clubbing or drinking before."

"Who is it?" N.C. asked. "I didn't think you hung out with anyone antisocial. Well, besides Vincent."

"Hey, he's getting better since he started dating Katrina," Yuffie told her with a grin. She pointed to Demyx. "Though he hates your drummer."

Demyx shrugged. "Can't help it, Man," he answered with a grin. "Axel does what Axel wants. And right now, he's doing Trina."

"Anyway," Yuffie said, rolling her eyes. "It's Shelke. I need to find her and make sure she doesn't get into trouble."

"Shelke?" N.C. asked in disbelief. She laughed. "You're kidding, right? Shelke does nothing but monotonously program computers."

"Which is why I brought her with me," Yuffie said, looking toward the dance floor. Her eyes bugged when she spotted pink fishnet clad legs wrapped around the waist of a dude with long black and silver streaked hair in a low ponytail...and an eyepatch. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and she was making out with him like a pro. "Holy fuck! She's banging a pirate on the dance floor!"

Demyx spewed his beer out on the table and turned in the direction Yuffie was staring. "Fuck!" he laughed. "It's Xigbar!"

"She's hooking up with one of your sound crew?" N.C. asked. "And why is he here anyway?"

"Xiggy's kinda got a thing for me," Demyx said rolling his eyes. "He's like a stalker or whatever. Harmless, though. Told him I didn't swing that way. Anyway, I guess he goes for younger looking people. He really seems into her."

"Holy shit, in more ways than one!" Yuffie shrieked, jumping from the table. She ran over to Shelke and the pirate before they could go further, pulling the girl from Xigbar's grasp, she glared at them. "Shelke! You can't have sex on the dance floor!"

"Why not?" she asked, hands on her hips. "I'm sick of being a virgin! I'm ready to lose it!"

"To a decrepid, old pirate?!" Yuffie shrieked. "Pick someone cuter at least!"

"I think he's hot!" she shrieked back, latching onto Xigbar again. "Stay out of my life, Yuffie!"

Yuffie watched helplessly as Shelke left with Xigbar, the older man grinning wickedly. "Oh hell," she muttered, heading back over to her friends and plopping down in her seat. "Well, fuck. Your sound man is going to get Shelke's virginity."

Demyx laughed. "Good, bastard needs to get laid," he said, taking a drink of his beer again. "Maybe then he'll stop groping my ass."

* * *

Yuffie didn't see Shelke until later the next afternoon. The girl looked tired but happy and slightly uncomfortable. Yuffie chuckled as the former Deepground soldier plopped down beside her at a table in the W.R.O. commons area. 

"Hurt like a mother fucker, didn't it?" Yuffie asked.

Shelke giggled and nodded. "At first," she said. "Not that bad though. After that, it felt really good."

"So, are you going to see him again?" Yuffie inquired. "I mean, age shouldn't matter if you really like someone, right?"

"Right," she said yawning. "I don't know. He said he wanted to see me again. I might take him up on it."

"Whatever makes you happy, Shelke," Yuffie said, flipping open her Ninja Vogue magazine. Shelke shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey, Yuffie?"

"Yeah?"

"After losing your virginity, when does the itching stop?"

Yuffie lowered the magazine down and stared at her friend. "Itching?" she asked.

"Yeah," she said. "After we had sex, I started feeling itchy. You know, down there."

Yuffie paled and scooted back from the girl. "Uh, Shelke," she began. "Remember when you started getting pubic hair and I told you that you might want to get it waxed?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you?"

"No."

"Shit."

"What?"

Yuffie jumped up and pointed at her and shrieked. "XIGBAR GAVE YOU CRABS!"

* * *

_**A/N: LMAO AT XIGBAR! I love Xiggy, please don't get me wrong! He's just like Cloud though. So much fun to make fun of! Review please!**_


	31. Pirates of Seventh Heaven

_**A/N: Anyone seen PoTC: At World's End? Let me rephrase that...anyone NOT seen PoTC: At World's End? Marlene and Denzel just saw it. They want to be pirates now. Isn't that cute?! **_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing involving Final Fantasy VII or the Pirates of the Carribean franchise. Though one day, I will have a boat filled with Cap'n Jack's. And I will never leave, except for rum._**

* * *

Denzel leapt onto the bar, brandishing his sword and adjusting his bandana. "Avast ye pock-marked deck hands!" he snarled. "Davy Jones is coming to take me back to his locker!" 

"Denz, you sound more like Barbosa with that," Marlene giggled. She pulled her hair back and climbed onto the bar with him. "Luckily, you have the Pirate King to save you from Davy Jone's locker!"

"Jack and Elizabeth never fought in Pirates 3," Denzel pouted. He then grinned. "So, I'll be Squid Face and we'll fight!"

"Just don't hit me like he did Elizabeth, okay?" Marlene asked.

Denzel hugged her. "I wouldn't hurt you ever, Marlene," he said with a smile. He held his sword out, the blue plastic clicking against Marlene's pink plastic sword. "You'll get no mercy from me!"

"That's why I brought this!"

They fought on the bar counter, their swords clicking against each other as they laughed and leapt over glasses and napkin dispensers. "You tentacally faced, one-legged pirate meanie!" Marlene shrieked. "I'll teach you not to take the souls lost at sea to the next life and help Jack set you free!"

"My freedom was forfeit long ago!" Denzel exclaimed, doing a fairly good impression of Davy Jones. "AARRRGGGHHH!"

"ARRGGGHH!!"

"Arrrgh, there be pirates in me bar, it seems," Tifa said with a grin, poking her head in through the door. "Avast ye lubbers off me counter and take your battle to the mast rigging of the living room!"

"Argh, Calypso has set her goddess eye against us!" Denzel yelled, pointing his sword at Tifa. "Put this fish wife in the brig, Master Turner!"

Tifa laughed and grabbed a spatula from the kitchen. "I be not Calypso, that vile heathen god," she said doing her best snarl. "I be Barbosa, and this be my ship!"

"Oh, then lets be Elizabeth and Will and we can do the wedding scene!" Marlene said, jumping off the bar with Denzel as Tifa climbed up, fighting imaginary pirates. "Barbosa! Marry us!"

"I'm a little busy at the moment!"

Denzel twirled Marlene around as they fought the pirates. "Barbosa! Now!" he yelled.

Tifa grunted and kicked at the pirates. "Fine then!" she yelled. "Dearly beloved, we be gathered her today to unite these...I don't remember the lines so I'll make it up...to unite these two in GET THEE AWAY YE VILE POCKED DECK HAND!"

Denzel grabbed Marlene and grinned. "Elizabeth, do you take me to be your husband?"

"I do!" Marlene shrieked.

"Great!"

They all fought some more. Cloud had come in from the garage and grabbed a spoon, fighting Tifa on the ground. "Don't hurt me, Teef," he laughed.

"Argh, I not be this Teef, the buxom brunette wench in Tortuga," she grinned. "I be Barbosa, Captain of the Black Pearl!"

"Will Turner, do you take me to be your wife?" Fight, fight, swords, spatulas, spoons flying. "In sickness and in health, with health being the less likely, til death do us part?"

"I do!"

"As captain, I now pronouce you..."

Fight, fight, slash, parry, thrust.

"You may kiss..."

Parry, thrust, kick, click.

"You may kiss..."

Giggle, blush, swords, fighting.

"Ah just kiss!"

Marlene and Denzel's swords collided with each other and Tifa screamed.

"Where did you get those?!"

Cloud's mouth was dropped open as his spoon hit the floor. "Oh my gods," he laughed.

"We found them under your bed, Tifa," Marlene said sweetly, looking at her pink plastic sword. "They're a little short to be swords, but they work!"

"Mine wiggles when you hit this switch!" Denzel giggled, illustrating by turning the sword on and causing a vibrating sound to emit.

Cloud caught Tifa before she hit the floor, laughing hysterically as he did. He sat the wobbly woman down on the floor. "Okay, guys," he said, trying to control himself. "That's enough Pirates for one day. Why don't you go put the movie in, okay?"

"Okay!" they exclaimed.

"Uh, let me have Tifa's 'swords' back," he grinned, holding his hands out. "I'll put them up for you."

"'Kay!"

After Marlene and Denzel left, Cloud knelt down in front of Tifa. "Miss me when I'm out on overnight deliveries, eh Teef?" he said with a grin.

Tifa blushed bright red. "I cannot believe they found my dildo and vibrator," she groaned. "This sucks."

Cloud laughed. "You know, Love," he said, doing his best Jack Sparrow impersonation. "It may be in your best interests to keep these in a safe place. Perhaps lock them up some where."

"Oh, stow it, Cloud."

* * *

_**A/N: Heh heh. I've been watching PoTC: AWE too much. My daughter's new favorite movie. Hope you liked it! Review please!**_


	32. A Whole Emokid Older

**_A/N: I don't know why, but the Shelke/Xigbar (or, as I call it, Shelgbar) pairing makes me happy. I (shudder) like her with him. This edition of 'Part of Life'...mistaken age/identity._**

**_Disclaimer: (laughing uncontrollably at the suggestion that I own anything)_**

* * *

Shelke sat on top of a huge amplifier, legs crossed at the ankles and swinging as she blew a bubble with her gum. Since getting wasted and fucked for the first time (for both situations) ever, she had completely turned around as far as her attitude and personality went. Her monotonous voice was replaced with a cheerful tone. She smile genuinely and didn't overthink situations to find the logic in them. And she liked her new Lolita look. In fact, she loved it. Thigh high colored stockings or knee high socks and Mary Janes with a short pleated mini shirt. Today, she was wearing purple and silver striped thigh highs, black mini skirt and silver tank with black Mary Janes. And the fingerless elbow length gloves that Xiggy-kins had given her for their two week anniversary. 

"Hey, Babe, as soon as I'm done setting this shit up, ya wanna get something to eat?" Xigbar asked as he continued hooking up the sound equipment for the show Organization XIII was giving later on.

"'Kay," Shelke said, hopping down off the amp. "You want me to help? I do know some about electronics, you know."

Xigbar laughed, deep and raspy. "Nah, that's okay," he replied, leaning over give her a brief kiss on the lips. "You just stand there and look sexy. I'll be done in, like, five minutes."

Demyx wandered in, guitar slung over his back. "Yo, Xig, can I hook up my guitar now?" he called.

Xigbar secured one last fastener and nodded. "Knock yourself out, Kid," he called, not even casting the frontman of the band a passing glance. He turned his attention back to Shelke. "What're you hungry for, Babe?"

Shelke grinned and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. "You," she purred, nuzzling his neck.

Xigbar growled and carried her to the back room, shoving her back against the wall and attacking her neck. Shelke giggled and arched her neck, giving him better access.

"Oi, Xigba'!" Luxord called, hauling out some more equipment. "Get a fucking room, you horny old man."

"You're just jealous, Dude," Xigbar grinned, settling Shelke down on the ground and pulling her close. "You wish you had a hot piece of ass like this."

"No, I prefer women, not girls," Luxord called back. "Why don't you take your girl and get her a kid's meal or something?"

"Fuck you," Xigbar snarled, grabbing Shelke's hand and leading her out into the open air. "Fuckin' prick."

"Ah, don't let him bug you, Xiggy," Shelke said clutching his arm. "You're right. He's just jealous."

Xigbar grinned down at her. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right," he agreed. He stopped in front of a burger joint and gestured. "This okay?"

"Sure," she agreed happily, following him into the restaurant. They sat themselves and were quickly joined by the waitress.

"Hi!" she said perikly. "What can I get you guys to drink?"

"Soda," Shelke said, popping her gum.

Xigbar nodded. "Yep, soda," he answered.

They purused the menus while the waitress got their sodas. Once she had come back, they ordered.

"I want a double bacon cheeseburger, cheese fries with extra ketsup," Xigbar ordered with a grin as the waitress giggled.

Shelke stuck her tongue out at him. "Cheeseburger and curly fries," she said.

After jotting down their orders, the waitress smiled at Shelke. "You're so lucky," she squealed. "He's so cool!"

Shelke beamed and grinned over at Xigbar. "Thanks!" she said. "I think he's the greatest."

The waitress nodded. "I wouldn't be caught dead outside with my dad," she continued. "He's so _lame_. But yours is, like, super cool."

Xigbar, who had been grinning wickedly at the praise directed his way, choked on his straw. "_DAD_?!" he screetched, coughing uncontrollably. "You think I'm her _dad_?"

The waitress looked shocked. "Uh, yeah?" she asked. "Aren't you?"

"He's my boyfriend!"

The other girls' nose scrunched up in disgust. "Ew!" she exclaimed. "But he's, like, so _old_!"

"No I'm not!"

"No he's not!" Shelke nearly shrieked. "He's only, maybe...uh...Xiggy, how old are you?"

"Ew, you don't even know how old he is."

"Shut up, serving wench," Xigbar snarled. "I'm 36."

Shelke nodded. "He's only 17 years older than me," she replied.

"But, that's like a whole emokid older than you!" the waitress said. "And there's no way that you're...uh...36...minus...17...borrow from the three...six turns into sixteen...minus seven...is...uh..."

"Nineteen!" Shelke and Xigbar yelled at the same time.

"Oh, ew!" the waitress shrieked. "Okay, I'm just gonna pretend he's your dad."

"But he's not!" Shelke screamed.

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"He is or I'll spit in your food!"

Shelke turned to Xigbar. "So are you paying or am I, Daddy?" she asked.

The waitress smiled and nodded in victory before turning to place their orders. Xigbar kept his gaze fixed on Shelke. "What?" she asked timidly.

Xigbar's lips turned up into a slow predatorial smile as he reached across and grabbed her hands.

"Call me 'Daddy' again."

* * *

**_A/N: (guffaws) This is one of my new favorite pairings! I'm a Shelgbar shipper! Woot!_**


	33. Don't Sleep With Your Short Sword!

**_A/N: (snickering) Uh, so...(giggling) this chapter...(full out guffawing). Ah, just read it! Sex on Fenrir is an idea I stole from dantesdarkqueen's fic 'Seed'...which she SERIOUSLY needs to update. (glares at dantesdarkqueen) And since I updated, BOTH 'Part of Life' AND 'O:A' today, I get to be a pious prick and pick on her. But only I and Mystic may do so...because we are three parts of the fanfiction goddess MysticAmazonQueen. No one else may pick on her, or we will smite. Smiting is fun._**

**_Disclaimer: (grabs Squeenix characters and squeezes) They followed me home! Can I keep them?_**

* * *

Tifa heard them before she saw them. 

Two pairs of feet hit the hard wood floor and clothes were pulled on hastily, along with socks and shoes. The feet raced each other out of the room, down the hall and down the stairs where they burst through the kitchen door accompanied by shrieks of laughter. She turned her head from the pancakes and bacon to give them a smile.

"'Morning, Kids," she called cheerfully.

"'Morning!" Marlene answered with a smile as she plopped down at the table. Denzel had stopped at the doorway and was looking into the kitchen dejectedly.

"Did...Cloud leave again?" he asked in a small voice.

Tifa caught his eye and smiled at him. "No, Sweetie," she said, going over to pat his head. "He got in a little late last night, so I'm letting him sleep in a bit." She smiled at the relieved expression on the little boys' face. "But you know, I'll bet he'll be disappointed if he missed pancakes. Do you guys want to go wake him up?"

Denzel's face brightened as Marlene jumped from the table. "Yeah!" he said, grabbing the little girl's hand and dragging her behind him.

The process reversed. The clomping on the stairs was enough to wake the dead. But Cloud...well, when he was out, he was out. Though how he could sleep through the herd of chocobos running up the stairs and down the hall to his room was beyond Tifa.

* * *

_"Oh Cloud," Tifa moaned, her back arching as he thrust into her again, the vibrations from Fenrir's motor trailing up his thick shaft into her body. "Faster!"_

_"Mmm, Tifa," he growled, biting at her neck and cupping her breasts. "I love you...so much."_

_"Cloud," she panted. "Cloud, Cloud, Cloud...BONZAI!"_

"BONZAI!"

The air left Cloud's lungs as two small bodies were propelled with great force onto his chest and stomach and tickling commenced. "Ah!" Cloud yelled between laughter as the small hands attacked his ribs and underarms, sending his barely awake body into overstimulated overdrive. "No! Don't! Stop!"

"Don't stop?" Denzel laughed. He threw Cloud's blankets back and attacked his stomach. "Okay! You asked for it!"

Cloud laughed hard, his eyes squeezed shut as tears started to leak out of the corners. "Cut it out!" he laughed out. "I've gotta pee!"

The kids jumped off the man, fear of being pissed on prevailing over the urge to tickle their hero. That's when Cloud released he had a bit of a...problem. That was rather...evident. In his boxers.

"What's that?" Marlene asked, pointing to the 'issue'.

Cloud grabbed his pillow and put it over his lap. "Uh...I forgot to...put my...short sword up last night," he offered, mentally facepalming himself. _Stupid! Stupid, Cloud!_

"You shouldn't sleep with your swords, Cloud," Marlene chastised, hands on her hips. "You could get hurt."

"I'm sorry, Marlene," Cloud said, blushing insanely. "I'll try to remember next time."

"Okay!" she said sweetly. "Get dressed. Tifa's making pancakes."

Cloud brightened. "What kind?" he asked.

Marlene patted his shoulder. "She made strawberry, just for you," she replied.

Cloud grinned. "I'll be right down," he answered. Marlene skipped out the door, Denzel following her. Before he left, the little boy turned around and gave Cloud a sheepish smile. "What?" the swordsman asked.

"You know, morning wood is nothing to be ashamed of," Denzel said, moving back into the room. "It happens to every boy. That's what Tifa said."

Cloud felt his neck heating up with embarrassment again. "Uh...okay," he said, not really knowing what to say.

"Just...don't be surprised to wake up and find your sheets wet, okay?" he said, patting Cloud on the head. "Tifa says it's all a part of growing up."

"I'll keep that in mind, Denz, thanks," Cloud said, throwing his pillow at him. "Now get out so I can get dressed."

Denzel threw the pillow back at him and laughed. "See you in a minute, Cloud," he said. "And...I'm glad you're here."

Cloud looked at the boy and grinned. "Me too, Buddy," he answered.

Five minutes later, Cloud was the soul chocobo of the herd coming down the stairs. He plopped down at the table and Tifa sat a huge stack of strawberry pancakes in front of him with a cup of black coffee.

"'Morning," she said sweetly, planting a chaste kiss to his lips.

"'Morning, Beautiful," he answered with a smile, returning the kiss. He squeezed her hand as she sat next to him with her own plate, the kids already digging into theirs.

"Tifa," Marlene said in a motherly tone. "You need to speak to Cloud about sleeping with his short sword. He had it in bed with him and when we jumped on him, he could have stabbed us with it!"

Cloud's face went beet red.

"Short sword?" she asked, looking over at her boyfriend. "When did you start carrying a short sword?"

"Uh, Tifa, it's okay," Denzel said. "We had a 'talk' about that. I told him what you told me. You know..._last_ week."

Tifa thought for a moment. Her face broke with understanding and she started giggling. "Oh. OH!" she said with a nod. "Was that the issue, Denzel?"

"Yeah. I took care of Cloud's talk," he said proudly.

"Thank you," Tifa said with a proud smile. "I'm sure he needed it."

Marlene pouted. "What talk?" she asked. "Why didn't I get to talk about it?"

"It's a man thing, Marlene," Denzel said. "You wouldn't understand."

Tifa giggled. "Kids, when you're done, why don't you go outside and play?"

The kids stuffed the rest of their food in their mouths and raced out the door. Once the door had slammed, Tifa stucked a bite in her mouth and glanced over at Cloud. "Short sword, huh?" she giggled.

"Shut up, Tifa," Cloud grumbled as he chewed.

* * *

_**A/N: (glomps Denzel) I'm keeping him! He's so CUTE! Review please!**_


	34. When a Chocobo Loses His Feathers

**_A/N: I don't know why, but Cloud is so much fun to mess with._**

**_Cloud: Why do you hate me?_**

**_AT: I'm hurt. I don't hate you. Quite the contrary. I adore you. You look like an older version of my one and a half year old nephew. I even spike his hair like yours and call him Chibi Cloud._**

**_Cloud: Really? He reminds you of me?_**

**_AT: Yeah, except he doesn't cut himself._**

**_Cloud: I don't cut myself! ...anymore..._**

_**Disclaimer: Not mine.****

* * *

**_

Cloud opened his eyes and smiled, rolling over and wrapping his arms around Tifa. They were alone in the house. No children would be coming into their room, prompting the young woman to rise earlier than she deserved to make them breakfast. She was all his to hold.

Denzel and Marlene had spent the night over at Nilto and Randak's (two of their Turk friends) house with their kids, Kaya and Damian. Along with the swordsman and martial artist's two adopted kids, the Turk parents had also played host to the Turk Spawn and Rufus ShinRa's son, Bryce. The Turk parent's took turns hosting what they referred to as Turk Spawn Movie Night. Cloud figured at some point, he and Tifa would have to return the favor.

But right now, he was enjoying waking up with the sleeping woman in his arms, breathing in the scent of her hair and watching as her chest fell with each even breath she took. The sun trickled through the gauzy curtains surrounding the window by their bed, casting a soft glow on her peaceful face. Tifa's dark eyelashes fanned against her cheeks perfectly, her inviting lips settled into a serene smile. Watching her made Cloud's heart swell with love.

An idea hit him and he grinned with excitement. Kissing her cheek gently, he eased out of their bed and made his way to their shared bathroom. He was going to shower and get dressed and then make his way down to the kitchen and surprise her with breakfast in bed.

Quickly, so he wouldn't risk her waking before he could complete his spontaneous and oh so romantic surprise, Cloud jumped into the shower and began to vigorously wash his hair. Before the soap was even completely out of his hair, he reached blindly for his conditioner bottle, pouring an ample amount into his spikey blond locks. He left that in while he lathered up the rest of his body, the warm water washing away the soap off his lightly sun-kissed skin.

_Strong yet feminine hands joined his on his body, running a trail down his chest to his stomach and moving lower still._

_"Good morning," Tifa murmured against his back, climbing fully into the shower with him._

_Cloud turned and pulled her into his arms. "You're awake," he said, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice._

_She arched an eyebrow at him, hurt coming to her eyes. "Were you going to leave again?" she whispered fearfully._

_"No, of course not," he replied quickly, kissing her gently. "I was going to make you breakfast and bring it up to you. It was going to be a surprise."_

_Tifa smiled brilliantly up at him. "Oh, Cloud," she said, her eyes shining with tears. "That is so sweet and romantic. I love you so much."_

_"I love you, too, Tifa," he told her genuinely, running his fingers through her now damp hair. Leaning down, he kissed her passionately, all thoughts of breakfast now far from his mind. _

_Tifa returned the kiss, losing herself in his touch. The water, hot and steaming, beat down on them as Cloud pressed her up against the tile of the shower, Tifa wrapping her legs around him as he planted a trail of kisses from her lips down to her neck and across the tops of her breasts. She gasped, her head falling back against the tile as he gripped her hips, his arousal slowly easing inside of her. Cloud moaned as he felt her warm folds engulfing him, drawing him deeper into her willing body, caressing him in the familiarity of his own right hand..._

_...right hand?_

Cloud opened his eyes, cursing as the conditioner burned the blue orbs. Removing his hand from himself, he switched the hot water to ice cold and proceeded to cool himself off and finish rinsing his hair.

"Damn over-active imagination," he grumbled, running his fingers through his hair. "First makes me think I'm Zack, then makes me think my hand is Tifa. Stupid brain. Homer had the right idea. I'll stab you with a Q-tip."

Cloud shook his head and turned the water off, grabbing his towel and rubbing his head vigorously before drying the rest of his body. Oddly, he felt really...hairy after drying himself off. Looking down at his arms and chest, he noticed an alarmingly large amount of blond hair covering his skin. Reaching up, he felt his hair, panicing when he felt smooth skin. Cloud quickly wiped the steam off the mirror, staring at his reflection in horror.

His hair, his gravity defying, looks like a chocobo's ass hair, was gone!

"NO!" Cloud screamed, sitting down on the toilet and thrusting his fingers through his...scalp. "NO! I'm too hot to be bald!"

"Cloud!" Tifa called from the other side of the door. Cloud opened the door and stared at her helplessly. Tifa looked at her boyfriend, her formerly blond, now currently bald boyfriend and screamed. Cloud screamed back.

"What happened?!" they both asked at the same time.

"I don't know!" Cloud exclaimed, trying to cover his shame (his scalp) with his hands. "I was taking a shower, dried off and now I have no hair!"

"What did you use on your hair?" Tifa asked, looking in the shower and at all the gorgeous blond hair that was laying on the floor. "Oh shit."

"Just my normal sham--poo..." Cloud trailed off as Tifa slowly turned and revealed the reason behind his new chrome dome.

Tifa sat the bottle of Nair on the sink and burst into tears. "I'm sorry!" she cried, collapsing onto the toilet seat. "I didn't mean to leave it in there!"

Cloud swallowed hard, fighting back his own tears. Oh, how long would it take to grow his hair back? How long would he have to endure being referred to as Mini-Rude by a certain red-headed bastard? How many second-degree burns would his head suffer before the chocobo's ass grew back?

The swordsman knelt down beside his girlfriend, taking her in his arms. "It's okay, Tifa," he reassured her. "It was a simple mistake. I should have looked at the bottle before I poured it on my head."

Tifa sniffed. "I really am sorry," she said, tentatively patting his head. "But, it'll grow back, right?"

"Right," he said with a smile. He kissed her gently and cocked his head. "Am I that ugly?"

The martial artist shook her head. "No," she answered sweetly. "This doesn't make me love you any less."

Cloud smiled and kissed her again. "Good," he said. "I'm glad."

"But Cloud?"

"Yes."

"This time, the clog in the drain is all you."

* * *

_**A/N: BWAH HA HA HA! Cloud's bald!**_

_**Cloud: (starts cutting self again)**_


	35. Of Lost Feathers and Fenrir

**_A/N: (author runs away from a rabid, bald chocobo)_**

**_Cloud: I want my motherfucking hair back! (grabs said author and puts her in a half Nelson)_**

**_AT: OW! Son of a bitch! Fine! But...it'll cost you._**

**_Cloud: I don't care what it costs! I want my hair back!_**

**_AT: (smirks) As you wish._**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but morning sickness...which should not be called 'morning sickness' since I'm still suffering from it at 5:45 p.m.!_**

* * *

Cloud pulled the beanie down over his ears, the knitted cap hiding the shame that was his chrome dome. For what seemed like months, he'd hidden under the cover of beanies, bandannas and, on one occasion, a sombrero made of queso. That had been messy. He didn't want to think of that.

What he needed to think about was how he was going to part with the 'fee' needed for the hair restorative Reno had promised to get him from the Shin-Ra labs. The cost was high...but it wasn't measured in gil. No, the red-headed bastard wanted something decidedly more sinister and, for lack of a better word, Reno-ish.

To put it simply, he wanted Fenrir.

Cloud didn't know which made him want to cry like a little girl more; the fact that he was a mini Rude or that he was faced with parting with his beloved bike. His pride and joy. His love child. Well, maybe not his love child, since that would imply that he had sexual relations with a mechanical object at some point in his life (vibrating handheld pocket pussies didn't count, did they?). The point was, Fenrir was his baby. He'd built the bike himself. It was customized specifically for him! The seat was moulded to _his_ man package, for Ifrit's sake!

Glancing in the mirror, he sighed. Could he go for gods knew how much longer without his head of chocobo butt looking hair? He missed the feel of the wind blowing through his hair as he rode Fenrir out on deliveries. But...what good was a motorcycle without hair for the wind to blow through? Conversely, what good was hair without a motorcycle to ride to make said wind blow through said hair? What a quandry the blond/bald now found himself in.

Taking another deep breath, Cloud turned from the mirror and stalked out of his room. He had a decision to make.

* * *

The rumble of the engine came to a stop as Cloud stepped off the bike one last time. Placing his hand on his custom moulded seat, he made Fenrir a promise. "I will get you back, my friend," he vowed solemnly. "I swear on my life."

"Not a chance, Baldy," Reno snickered, pushing himself off a tree and sauntering over to him. "Once this transaction is made, there's no refunds, exchanges, otherwise. Fenrir is mine."

"Whatever, you got the stuff?" Cloud asked, yanking off his beanie. Reno cringed at the sight and nodded, reaching into his jacket pocket. "It better work. And it better not grow out any color than my natural color."

"Swear to Odin, it's the real deal," Reno said, admiring his newly acquired bike as he handed a bottle of gel to Cloud. "Go on, try it out."

Cloud took the bottle and examined it. "If this isn't worth it, I'll kill you," he snarled, uncapping the bottle.

"Yeah, right," Reno snorted, climbing onto the bike. "You'll have the entire country of Wutai after your ass if you did that."

Cloud rubbed the gel on his head, shooting the red-head a skeptical look. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he snapped.

Reno smirked. "You can't kill Wutain royalty," he answered, leaning back on the bike and spreading his arms out. "I'm the king."

"The king of fucktards," Cloud scoffed, casting a low level water spell to wash the gel off his hands, lest they be covered with hair. "How long does it take for this stuff to work?"

"It's already working, Spikey," Reno said with a grin. He gestured toward one of Fenrir's mirrors. "Check it out."

Cloud looked at himself skeptically and nearly cried out in relief. Strike that, he squealed like a fangirl at all his awesome blond god glory. "I-it's back!" he yelled, face breaking out into a wondrous smile. In a moment of supreme giddiness, he threw his arms around the red-head, nearly knocking the other man off his newly acquired bike. "I can't believe I doubted you."

Reno snorted as he righted himself on the bike's seat. "I can," he said with a smirk. "We don't have the best track record, Spike."

Cloud scowled and shook his head. "Guess not," he replied, running his fingers through his hair, a sigh of contentment escaping his lips. He whipped out his cell phone and switched on the camera feature, taking a pic of himself in all his blond, chocobo headed glory. He sent a pic message to Tifa that read, "Thank, Ifrit, it's back!"

Reno rested his arms on the handle bars and regarded Cloud. "Satisfied?" he asked.

Cloud nodded, looking a little forlornly at Reno sitting atop of his motorcycle, his ass not quite fitting into the custom moulded seat. "Take good care of her," he stated quietly.

Reno saluted him as Cloud turned to leave, walking toward a cluster of trees. "Hey, Spikes," the red-head called. Cloud stopped before turning down the path by the trees. "Need a ride?"

Cloud gave a forced smile. "Nah, I'll be fine," he answered, disappearing behind the trees. Reno shook his head, running his hands along the bikes curves. A sudden growl filled his ears and then a steady purr. He looked down at the bike, wondering if he had mistakenly turned it on. His eyes shot up as he heard tires squealing, disbelief filling him as he watched Cloud tear out from behind the trees on...

Fenrir?!

Reno looked down at the bike he was sitting on, shock covering his face as a poof of smoke came out of it and it transformed into a regular little girl's two-wheeler, complete with bell and floral basket. Reno fell to the ground after the bike's transformation, cursing under his breath about double-crossing spikey haired demons.

* * *

Cloud chuckled as he watched Reno topple off the bike. He'd have to call and thank his new friend for teaching him that trick...what was it called again? Shadow Clone Jutsu? Whatever...spikey haired blonds had to stick together!

Believe it!

* * *

**_A/N: Yeah, I threw in a slight Naruto cross-over. My three year old thinks he's 'a nice boy...I love him...he tickles me'. Don't looked at me like that, she does! Anyway, this Part of Life was a double-cross, in case you couldn't tell, and if you couldn't, man, that means my writing is slipping. Hopefully...this means...I'm BaCk!_**


	36. Say My Name

_**A/N: What's this? I live?**_

_**Disclaimer: After all this time, after all the quests and side-missions...it's still not mine.**_

* * *

_Rude scanned his eyes and wearily entered the apartment he shared with his girlfriend. Tossing his jacket and bag against the wall, he removed his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes. It had been a long damn mission and he was glad to finally be home._

_Glancing around, he noticed the apartment seemed empty…and quiet. Normally, Andi would have heard the door open and have raced down the hall, running over her mother in the process to get to him first. Or Zack would have been throwing one of his rubber Materia balls against the flat screen. Now, there was nothing._

_"Kandi?" he called._

_The door to their bedroom opened and said red-streaked female walked out; wearing black stilettos, fishnet thigh highs, a thong and a black leather corset. She leaned against the frame of the door, crossing her arms over her ample chest and grinning like a Cheshire cat._

_"You called…Master."_

_Rude's cock sprung to life instantly. He went to remove his belt and abruptly stopped. "Where's the kids?"_

_"Andi's over at Axys for the weekend."_

_"Is Zack with Cloud and Tifa?" Rude asked, fingers hovering over the belt buckle, waiting for the answer._

_The red-streaks shook slightly and the grin turned into a smirk. "He's with Niki-chan and Reno, too," she answered._

_That caused the bald man to pause. "Why them?" he asked._

_"Because Cloud's out of town," came a different voice. Rude balked when a busty brunette came out of the bedroom, clothed in a similar ensemble as his girlfriend. Tifa wrapped her arms around Kandi's waist and rested her chin on her shoulder, flicking her tongue over the red-streaked woman's neck. "And I had plans."_

_"Holy….Bahamut," Rude breathed._

_Tifa studied him and cocked her head slightly. "You look…different," she mused. Blinking, it dawned on her that his sunglasses were gone. "Wow, he has really pretty eyes."_

_"I know, right?" Kandi said dreamily. She turned toward Tifa, wrapping her own arms around the other woman. "Well, since Rude is content to just stare at us with those pretty eyes of his, wanna give him a bit of a preview of what's to come?"_

_"Mmm hmm," Tifa murmured, leaning in to capture Kandi's lips._

_Rude couldn't move. He simply stood there, pants halfway unfastened and watched, mesmerized. Two of the most beautiful women he had ever seen were making out in front of him…for him._

_Move damn it, he thought to himself, pants finally hitting the floor as he stepped toward them. Pulling the two women apart, he slammed his lips against his girlfriend's while wrapping Tifa's hair around his hand and pulling her head back to bare her neck. Once he had thoroughly tongue-fucked Kandi's mouth, he attacked Tifa's lips, finally experiencing the taste of the woman he'd been enamored with for years. Sure, now he thought of her as simply a friend…but hell! He was not questioning their motivation behind this._

_"Mmm Tifa," he murmured, moving down to bite at her neck as Kandi worked on his._

"TIFA?"

Rude struggled to breathe through the chocobo down pillow that was shoved over his face. The women were gone and replaced by black and the very real feeling of being suffocated. Someone was trying to kill him!

He ripped the pillow away and rolled over, pinning his attacker beneath him.

"You fucking asshole!" Kandi screamed in his face. "You're having a sex dream about _Tifa_?"

Rude blinked and looked down at her. A dream? Oh fuck…a dream. He rolled back over and rubbed his eyes wearily. "I…guess so."

"You mother-"

"You were in it, too."

Kandi stopped mid-rant. "A threesome?" she asked. He nodded. "Me, you…and Tifa?"

"And before you say one more word, Hot Mama, you call out Zack's name in your sleep sometimes."

The red-streaked female blinked and cocked her head. "Threesome with me, you, and Zack," she sighed dreamily. "Okay, fair enough. Sweet dreams, Babe."

Rude growled and rolled back over on top of her. "Not so fast, you," he rumbled, attacking her neck with his mouth as she giggled and re-activated their barrier materia.

* * *

_**A/N: Lame, short and long overdue. **_


End file.
